I haven't been legit scared for my life and the life of my loved ones in just about most of my life. The last 2 years (including this year, which is just mind boggling sad and scary) have given me a fear inside that i am not use too. I can say i haven't had this fear since 9/11. And even then, i was scared but i wasn't set in my fear like i am now.
I get worried about being at work for too long some times. I am very aware of who is in the store and if anyone is getting loud and out of hand. I try to stay away from the situation but still keep eyes on it. I shouldn't be scared at work. It's not an anxiety fear, thankfully. But it's a "i am out of here if shit goes down" fear. Like...bolting out of there. I find myself seeing which males are working and if i feel confident they will help be protective of us if need be. I know which females are going to fight anyone who will do us wrong. I know who to comfort and grab if something does go down and they are near me. It's just like.....always have a plan of action just in case. And i've always thought this way, but i haven't felt like i've needed this more so than i have within these last 2 years.
I am scared for myself and my friends when we are at big events. I wonder how big is the crowd going to be and what is the quickest way out. I'm just like....always prepared!
It's heartbreaking to feel this way now. To have to think of these things. To have to be like "if something goes down i have to text my mommy first". I shouldn't be thinking this way but now i am. We tell kids the world is a scary place but nothing has confirmed that more so in my lifetime than whats happening now. It's happening in our own backyard, hell in our own homes!! It's no longer on a huge political basis, it's right here sitting near us, waiting to happen. It's like.....not IF if it will happen but WHEN. And i hate feeling this way! My faith gives me comfort and security. But it doesn't mean i'm not scared of the devil who lives inside of people.
I think about my little loves aka kids my friends have had and hope hope hope with all my heart we can get things together in our communities and in our country so that they don't have to live with this kind of fear. I want to protect them from this pain and sadness. And utter stupidity!!
The Orlando shooting makes me think about how messed up some people are. How misguided they are. How hateful they are over something that has absolutely NOTHING to do with them! It makes me think like....someone could come and kill me because of my skin color or sexual orientation (for the record i am straight but that's not the point). Someone could come to a place i frequent and just slaughter us because of a misguided hatred they believe is true and right. I could be in a gay nightclub...it's one of the most fun places to be in. I could be at a concert, a bookstore, work, church, school, shopping mall, public transportation etc. I could literally be anywhere and someone could come and end it all. I don't fear dying, i fear dying by the hands of someone who doesn't like me for something none of us have control over. Someone could dislike me hanging out with white guys and decide it must be stopped. It's like everything is up for grabs to dislike and do evil things in response to it. Seriously.
So i have that to worry about and then everything that's happening in my personal life. Good grief, this life is not only hard but its draining!! I don't know if i have a real point to this rant. I just wanted to share what's been going through my head as of late. I know i'm not alone in these feelings. We have to stand together and fight for the right things. Fight for truth, love and peace. We all are in this together, it's the only way we can survive. Hug, talk to, and love your special people in your life. It can all change in a heartbeat.
May we all be protected, comforted and strong during these times
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