One minute ago i sat down to write my father a message asking for money. And as i sat there, thinking of how to do this i thought, "damn, I've really hit a wall if i'm doing this". As soon as i typed "Hey Dad" i got nauseous and just said, NOPE.
I can't do it. I absolutely cannot do it. I cannot ask this man for money. Call it pride, stubbornness or whatever you want but i cannot do it. I rather keep doing what i am doing, struggles and all and keep doing it all on my own. There is no part of me that can stomach asking that man for ANYTHING. And I've never asked him for anything after all these years. Not one thing. Not even for flowers when my grandmother, his mother died. Not even for prayers when mom was in the hospital sick. Not even for RESPECT after all the crap he did, when again, my grandmother, his mother passed away. Nope, nothing. So coming up on a milestone birthday it's weird to be even considering asking him for something...something i am easily owed.
But i won't. Because i am better than that! I am not giving up and i am NOT asking him for anything, just like i haven't all these years. I haven't seen my father since i was 18 and i'm in my 30s now. No communication either. He can talk to everyone else but his first child and only daughter...me. It is what it is.
I am sharing this moment because i know others can relate. I know i am not alone in this constant battle with a parent. Internal battle that we grow out of but at times shows it's ugly, annoying head. You can do better. You will be fine. We all will. Struggles and all. Just keep pushing on, do the right things and don't be afraid. I believe in God, so i'm just sticking with that and keeping my head up. But even if you don't believe in a higher power, you got this. It sucks doing the right thing all on our own, all the time is super hard and stressful but at the end of the day you can hold your head up and know YOU DID IT!!
So thankful for my mother who without i could be on the streets for all i know. That alone keeps me from lowering myself to asking that man for anything. I made my peace with it a long time ago...not gonna let some small money struggles undo all the work i've done personally to unhinge me. Because we all know, this fire sign can not keep her mouth shut if someone tries to tell her what's what and its a lie lol
Gotta keep ya head up!!
Sep 29, 2016
Jun 13, 2016
Living While Scared
I haven't been legit scared for my life and the life of my loved ones in just about most of my life. The last 2 years (including this year, which is just mind boggling sad and scary) have given me a fear inside that i am not use too. I can say i haven't had this fear since 9/11. And even then, i was scared but i wasn't set in my fear like i am now.
I get worried about being at work for too long some times. I am very aware of who is in the store and if anyone is getting loud and out of hand. I try to stay away from the situation but still keep eyes on it. I shouldn't be scared at work. It's not an anxiety fear, thankfully. But it's a "i am out of here if shit goes down" fear. Like...bolting out of there. I find myself seeing which males are working and if i feel confident they will help be protective of us if need be. I know which females are going to fight anyone who will do us wrong. I know who to comfort and grab if something does go down and they are near me. It's just like.....always have a plan of action just in case. And i've always thought this way, but i haven't felt like i've needed this more so than i have within these last 2 years.
I am scared for myself and my friends when we are at big events. I wonder how big is the crowd going to be and what is the quickest way out. I'm just like....always prepared!
It's heartbreaking to feel this way now. To have to think of these things. To have to be like "if something goes down i have to text my mommy first". I shouldn't be thinking this way but now i am. We tell kids the world is a scary place but nothing has confirmed that more so in my lifetime than whats happening now. It's happening in our own backyard, hell in our own homes!! It's no longer on a huge political basis, it's right here sitting near us, waiting to happen. It's like.....not IF if it will happen but WHEN. And i hate feeling this way! My faith gives me comfort and security. But it doesn't mean i'm not scared of the devil who lives inside of people.
I think about my little loves aka kids my friends have had and hope hope hope with all my heart we can get things together in our communities and in our country so that they don't have to live with this kind of fear. I want to protect them from this pain and sadness. And utter stupidity!!
The Orlando shooting makes me think about how messed up some people are. How misguided they are. How hateful they are over something that has absolutely NOTHING to do with them! It makes me think like....someone could come and kill me because of my skin color or sexual orientation (for the record i am straight but that's not the point). Someone could come to a place i frequent and just slaughter us because of a misguided hatred they believe is true and right. I could be in a gay nightclub...it's one of the most fun places to be in. I could be at a concert, a bookstore, work, church, school, shopping mall, public transportation etc. I could literally be anywhere and someone could come and end it all. I don't fear dying, i fear dying by the hands of someone who doesn't like me for something none of us have control over. Someone could dislike me hanging out with white guys and decide it must be stopped. It's like everything is up for grabs to dislike and do evil things in response to it. Seriously.
So i have that to worry about and then everything that's happening in my personal life. Good grief, this life is not only hard but its draining!! I don't know if i have a real point to this rant. I just wanted to share what's been going through my head as of late. I know i'm not alone in these feelings. We have to stand together and fight for the right things. Fight for truth, love and peace. We all are in this together, it's the only way we can survive. Hug, talk to, and love your special people in your life. It can all change in a heartbeat.
May we all be protected, comforted and strong during these times
I get worried about being at work for too long some times. I am very aware of who is in the store and if anyone is getting loud and out of hand. I try to stay away from the situation but still keep eyes on it. I shouldn't be scared at work. It's not an anxiety fear, thankfully. But it's a "i am out of here if shit goes down" fear. Like...bolting out of there. I find myself seeing which males are working and if i feel confident they will help be protective of us if need be. I know which females are going to fight anyone who will do us wrong. I know who to comfort and grab if something does go down and they are near me. It's just like.....always have a plan of action just in case. And i've always thought this way, but i haven't felt like i've needed this more so than i have within these last 2 years.
I am scared for myself and my friends when we are at big events. I wonder how big is the crowd going to be and what is the quickest way out. I'm just like....always prepared!
It's heartbreaking to feel this way now. To have to think of these things. To have to be like "if something goes down i have to text my mommy first". I shouldn't be thinking this way but now i am. We tell kids the world is a scary place but nothing has confirmed that more so in my lifetime than whats happening now. It's happening in our own backyard, hell in our own homes!! It's no longer on a huge political basis, it's right here sitting near us, waiting to happen. It's like.....not IF if it will happen but WHEN. And i hate feeling this way! My faith gives me comfort and security. But it doesn't mean i'm not scared of the devil who lives inside of people.
I think about my little loves aka kids my friends have had and hope hope hope with all my heart we can get things together in our communities and in our country so that they don't have to live with this kind of fear. I want to protect them from this pain and sadness. And utter stupidity!!
The Orlando shooting makes me think about how messed up some people are. How misguided they are. How hateful they are over something that has absolutely NOTHING to do with them! It makes me think like....someone could come and kill me because of my skin color or sexual orientation (for the record i am straight but that's not the point). Someone could come to a place i frequent and just slaughter us because of a misguided hatred they believe is true and right. I could be in a gay nightclub...it's one of the most fun places to be in. I could be at a concert, a bookstore, work, church, school, shopping mall, public transportation etc. I could literally be anywhere and someone could come and end it all. I don't fear dying, i fear dying by the hands of someone who doesn't like me for something none of us have control over. Someone could dislike me hanging out with white guys and decide it must be stopped. It's like everything is up for grabs to dislike and do evil things in response to it. Seriously.
So i have that to worry about and then everything that's happening in my personal life. Good grief, this life is not only hard but its draining!! I don't know if i have a real point to this rant. I just wanted to share what's been going through my head as of late. I know i'm not alone in these feelings. We have to stand together and fight for the right things. Fight for truth, love and peace. We all are in this together, it's the only way we can survive. Hug, talk to, and love your special people in your life. It can all change in a heartbeat.
May we all be protected, comforted and strong during these times
Mar 20, 2016
Whoa...Hey There!
It's been a minute because you know life happens. Apparently 2016 didn't like us in the entertainment world so much. We lost some great artists and people.
From what i've been seeing from friends and family, 2016 hasn't been that good overall to us. Not sure why? Is it the whole 16 part? Is it the downswing from 2015? It's March, almost April and the drama is surreal!
Some of us, myself included, have fallen a bit. Got all caught up in everything we are carrying and people we are caring about and forgot about ourselves. So you go on and on and on until you fall down. Sometimes you trip and fall and you stay down for awhile. You hangout in the little pit that is yourself ya know. And you see what you've been missing and doing to yourself. You become honest and realize, "hey...i need me time, i need to get back to my awesome self."
If you're lucky, you have some solid people around you to help you get out of your own pit and get back to yourself more. They will support you all the way. That's what good friends do. I have to say, i'm really blessed to have some good friends and family in my life to help me when i get into my pits. And i try to do the same for them.
Alright, so if 2016 has been kicking your ass and you found yourself in a pit, i hope you have some good people around you to help you get out of it. But most importantly, i hope you don't stay in that pit too long. You're not alone either. You are NEVER alone. If someone out there wants to talk anytime, hit me up, we gotta stick together in this.
To the rest of you having a good year, congrats and i hope it continues!
Be grateful, be thankful, be there for each other.
From what i've been seeing from friends and family, 2016 hasn't been that good overall to us. Not sure why? Is it the whole 16 part? Is it the downswing from 2015? It's March, almost April and the drama is surreal!
Some of us, myself included, have fallen a bit. Got all caught up in everything we are carrying and people we are caring about and forgot about ourselves. So you go on and on and on until you fall down. Sometimes you trip and fall and you stay down for awhile. You hangout in the little pit that is yourself ya know. And you see what you've been missing and doing to yourself. You become honest and realize, "hey...i need me time, i need to get back to my awesome self."
If you're lucky, you have some solid people around you to help you get out of your own pit and get back to yourself more. They will support you all the way. That's what good friends do. I have to say, i'm really blessed to have some good friends and family in my life to help me when i get into my pits. And i try to do the same for them.
Alright, so if 2016 has been kicking your ass and you found yourself in a pit, i hope you have some good people around you to help you get out of it. But most importantly, i hope you don't stay in that pit too long. You're not alone either. You are NEVER alone. If someone out there wants to talk anytime, hit me up, we gotta stick together in this.
To the rest of you having a good year, congrats and i hope it continues!
Be grateful, be thankful, be there for each other.
Jan 2, 2016
2015 Had My Back
It's really easy for me to look back and see what i learned from 2015.
I learned that not everyone has your back but when the chips are down, the ones that do are there for you, period.
2015 was one of the hardest but most fulfilling years after a seriously rough 2014. I lived in 2015. I felt all the highs and they out weighed all the lows.
I learned really fast who i needed to let go of in my life...either permanently or temporarily. Either way, strings got cut and some bridges got burned. But i'm fine with all of it. I did what i could to save what relationships i thought were worth saving, but i realized, i can't save every single one of them alone. And i can't carry a relationship. If you want to be in my life, you'll show me yourself. I won't have to keep pushing to keep you in it.
And though that was a somewhat hard lesson to learn, it was easy to maintain. One can only get slapped in the face so many times before you say ENOUGH and walk away.
I survived, mostly unscathed. I am proud of all i did. And i am proud of my inner circle becoming smaller but the quality is rich. What more can one ask out of 365 days? We made it. We survived. We thrived. And if you know whats good for you, we will keep on going!
Keep moving forward people. Keep moving.
I learned that not everyone has your back but when the chips are down, the ones that do are there for you, period.
2015 was one of the hardest but most fulfilling years after a seriously rough 2014. I lived in 2015. I felt all the highs and they out weighed all the lows.
I learned really fast who i needed to let go of in my life...either permanently or temporarily. Either way, strings got cut and some bridges got burned. But i'm fine with all of it. I did what i could to save what relationships i thought were worth saving, but i realized, i can't save every single one of them alone. And i can't carry a relationship. If you want to be in my life, you'll show me yourself. I won't have to keep pushing to keep you in it.
And though that was a somewhat hard lesson to learn, it was easy to maintain. One can only get slapped in the face so many times before you say ENOUGH and walk away.
I survived, mostly unscathed. I am proud of all i did. And i am proud of my inner circle becoming smaller but the quality is rich. What more can one ask out of 365 days? We made it. We survived. We thrived. And if you know whats good for you, we will keep on going!
Keep moving forward people. Keep moving.
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