Real Girl Code

Maybe I'm not suppose to say this but fuck it. Judge me if you want, I don't care.

Sometimes a woman needs to be a girl. Sometimes she needs to be held by a man she trusts and is able to be herself with, without judgement. Sometimes she needs to be reassured that everything she carries on her shoulders daily is ok. That everything she is struggling with will work itself out. That it's not for nothing. That her fight and strength for all that she wants is worth it. Sometimes she needs to be a girl that needs to be protected from the world and herself. She needs to feel that she is not alone and that she has someone by her side to help her through all these things. Sometimes she needs to cry in the arms of a man. Single or otherwise, it doesn't matter. She needs this physical and emotional protection and support now and then from a man. She knows he can't solve all the issues. A smart woman knows he can't make everything right suddenly and that this hug...holding...comforting will not make life suddenly easy and with no pain. But she still needs to feel and believe that when he says it will be ok, IT WILL BE OK.

Maybe I'm NOT suppose to say these things as a strong independent woman. But at the end of the day, truth is truth. And I believe admitting this, saying this, makes me even stronger. I'm a badass awesome chick. But it doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to believe and pretend that, fuck yeah, sometimes I need to be a girl, protected from the world by a man that I trust. I'm a lot to handle. Why do you think I admire Thor so much? Because that's the kind of man I know can handle me. Did I break Girl Code? Who gives a shit.

I'd Cook For Him

Lately, I've been talking to my close friends and explaining to them the "I'd cook for them" mentality. It's something i came up with to describe how i feel about someone overall. It came to me while talking to a friend i would definitely cook for, any time.

Think about it. There are those people we encounter, intimately that we either want to see in the morning or want them out 20mins after the deed is done. We make these decisions in our head really fast. Now if we want to see them in the morning, then the relationship on some level progresses. You might become closer and as you learn more about each other you start to realize, you want to see this person for breakfast and dinner...and dessert. So you go out whenever you can and eating, dancing, reading etc. is all great! You truly enjoy the time you spend with this person. BUT THEN ONE DAY IT HITS YOU! You want to do something for this person. Something special and straight from a very good place. You ponder and talk to your friends and think about it do death.

Then it comes to you. You want to cook for them. Let's assume you know how to cook, and if you don't you can totally wing it. (For the record i am a very good cook and baker, so i got dinner and dessert covered no problem!)

I have a handful of people i would cook for. It's not something i do for myself often, let alone others. But if you become someone i adore. Someone i want to see for breakfast and dinner, you probably have become someone I want to cook for. I'm not talking anything super extreme, just something really yummy and shows off some of your skills. Really though it's not about the cooking aspect, it's about showing the person you care about them and maybe even want to take care of them on some level. To feed someone is to nourish them, mind, body and soul. It could take your relationship to the next level, no matter what it is. It could cement what you already have. For the most part, i don't recall someone running away from someone after they cooked for them...again, assuming you know how to cook and don't poison them haha

I like to think of guys i'm attracted to as "yes i'd cook for him or no i wouldn't cook for him". Sure arm candy is nice, don't get me wrong. But someone i want to cook for and snuggle with afterwards is where it's at, for me at least. It definitely shows off a different side of yourself to that person. Who knows, it could go great or it could go horribly wrong. Either way, it's a great gesture...i mean who doesn't love a home cooked meal? Break the rules, open the cooking app and whip something up for that someone you want to cook for. It will be an adventure, neither of you will ever forget :)

Can't Forget the Fear

Can't believe it's been this many years since 9/11 happened. It still feels like it was JUST last year. I remember exactly everything about that day. I remember my then boyfriend Al, calling me and telling me to turn on the tv. Then watching it with him, terrified and mind completely blown. I remember begging him to come over and get far far away from LAX where he worked. I remember calling my mom at her job and telling her what was going on. I remember just becoming a zombie glued to the tv for hours upon hours and then days upon days. It was such a long nightmare. I remember hearing lots of military jets flying over us and living in the southbay, that was just not normal at all. I remember talking to my flyboys before they went wheels up and praying with a few of them. I remember waiting for days to hear back from them. I remember everything was just so intense. I remember strangers hugging each other and putting our fists in the air in solidarity. I remember not sleeping or eating all that much. I remember just being frozen in fear, on edge, wondering was LA next. I also remember sobbing when i heard about friends of friends lost and the numbers of people gone climbing higher and higher. I remember holding Al so tight when i finally saw him that day. I remember mom bringing home ice cream and us just trying to stay strong with one another. It just felt like the world had just STOPPED. Not time, not life but the world. Like we weren't spinning anymore, we weren't going forward at all...we were just frozen in this horrific time. And i remember Bush Jr. just not being reassuring at all. I want to say that is when I really started to see what was really going on in our government, in our United States of America. People kept saying we would forever be changed by that and i knew it but it took some time to really FEEL IT. We were changed in so many bad ways. Many of the kids and teens today (and in the future) have no idea what life was like before 9/11. And for me to sit here and think about it, blows my mind, because i know the difference. I lived it. I was 19 years old. I was completely aware of life at that age. And then, it all changed and i had to become completely aware of a new life, a new world.

Honestly, that is when i began to fear the real evils of this world. Because when evil comes crashing through your door...you never forget it. And you are forever changed.

Just as that saying goes...I don't fear any man; it's the devil inside him that i'm afraid of.

Love and blessings to the families that lost loved ones on 9/11. And to all of us that were old enough to be changed by it. Let us not forget how we came together for support and love. Thank you to all the first responders who ran towards the falling towers. You are angels of awesomeness. Thank you to all the fire crews, police officers, troops, uniforms of all kinds for all you did and continue to do since that day. As well as all the regular folks who helped their fellow man during such a crisis. No words can sum up the bitter sweetness that came during and after the events. But know, my heart is full of love and thanks.

Peace For Me

Sometimes, even at the strong suggestion against it from our friends, we have to close chapters with people. I do it for my own sanity and peace. I do it to show forgiveness for my own lack of great judgement. I also do it because sometimes I don't want the person who treated me not so great, to feel that bad about it. This usually only happens when I believe the person is a good soul overall, they just made some shitty choices. Also, when I'm not really damaged or even scarred by their actions, it's much easier to give them a break and call it a wash. 

People tend to just want to bash someone because it didn't go the way they wanted. One little slip up and they tar and feather the poor soul. So what, they did the typical douchey douche thing. You didn't lose anything in the situation. You might not gain anything either, so really, there is no need to crucify the person. Granted, thinking about taking a metal bat to their knee does cross my mind. But say a public shaming or evil laced phone calls isn't needed. Show your resilience and strength by forgiving and moving forward. I know for me, my spirit is happier when I do that. I can lay it all to rest. Delete all the memories, texts, photos all that and let it fade from memory in time. 

IF by some chance the person didn't take up too much of your time, you got lucky and it's easier to shake off. Alas, the longer folks absorb and abuse our time, the longer it may take to remove them from our lives. But it will happen, you just gotta let time do it's thing. And don't beat yourself up over it too much. We all have a little masochist in us. And we all know when we should STOP doing something. But if we consciously ignore the gut and do something that we know will probably upset us down the road, then we also consciously accept the consequences of the masochistic actions we take. So own your stupid leaps of faith that ended up with you splattered on the floor of regret and self pity. Hopefully you learned something after the splat. I've learned something from this splat indeed. I can't say I will NEVER do it again, I just know I'll have a better look if something similar comes around again. 

We are only human. And we will hurt one another even when we mean not too. Doesn't mean everyone is out to get you and you should "trust no one". Just means you gotta watch folks more, guard yourself but don't close yourself off to everyone. There are still amazing people out there who want to make you happy. And you need to continue going and making people AND yourself happy. So not to use a completely overused saying now but yeah...let it go, forgive and keep moving forward!

This is dedicated to my girl Tierra who has taught me in her own way, to not take certain situations so seriously and just live your life. 

Small Impacts

The other day at work while we were trying to get all the customers out of the store so we could go home much earlier than expected, i met a woman who was staring at our sock wall...particularly the Happy Socks.

At this point in the closing procedures we are just approaching customers and asking if they need any final help, because we are closing up shop. I asked was she doing ok and she said she was having a hard time deciding on some socks for her 24 year old niece who has cancer. Well, my history of cancer with family and friends is strong so whenever i meet someone who has it or has family/friend battling it and they are just trying to give them a little happiness and hope, it hits my heart instantly. The ones she was holding weren't that cute so i suggested some other ones and she liked them and another pair as well. We didn't go into what kind of cancer it was or anything of that nature. We focused on getting her niece something fun and cool. I could tell she was at a loss and just wanted to do something to make her niece smile. We laughed about how they are called "Happy Socks" and i told her, they will bring her good vibes just having them. She was very thankful. Part of me wanted to hug her but i figured that would be too weird. I mean i get weirded out and annoyed when customers touch me so yeah lol

She went on her way and i finished cleaning up my department and went home.

I don't know if i did anything super special for her. I don't know if i was that much of a help. I don't know if her niece will like the socks. I don't know if they will make her smile. I only spent 10mins with her but for the rest of the week at least, this woman and her niece will be on my mind and in my heart and prayers.

People look down on those of us in the service industry thinking it's not a responsible or "adult enough" job to have. They treat us bad and think we can't do any better for ourselves. They also think we don't make a difference. My job is thankless and endlessly repetitive and tiresome. But once in awhile, clients cross my paths and for a brief moment we help one another...i mean truly help each other with whatever is going on. Granted hearing about your deceased cat and how you are shopping to help heal your wounds, can get a little awkward. BUT clearly, we are meant to cross paths with these people for a reason. Whether it's for them to help us, or for us to help them...it's meant to be that way.

Who knows, maybe she will be back with better news about her niece and getting more Happy Socks. I just know that brief encounter made me appreciate where I am at as a person. It helped me continue to do something i love doing...help and be there for others during difficult times. It fed my soul some comfort to know that i was chosen, out of all of us in that store at the very moment to be there for her and make her smile.

No matter what we do as a job, it doesn't mean it's any less meaningful than what anybody else does. We need to keep ourselves open to new people, experiences and life. You never know what could happen. And keep being thankful (even when we hate where we are) for what we have and share it with others as often as we can.

Side note...just before i sat down to write this, my Ninja Grandpa made some crashing sounds in the living room. I went to see what happened. Alas, his awesome ninja strength caused him to pull down another vertical blind from our window. Initially i wanted to ask him what on earth was he doing and tell him to stop being so violent with the blinds lol But with this story being written in my mind at that moment, i took a deep breath and told him it was fine, we will just add it to the pile...yes...there is a pile...6 going on all 20. Sometimes i don't know whether to laugh or cry with the stuff that happens in my house lol WOOOOSSAAA!!

Tiny Stories

I've been writing little stories since March of this year. Not sure how it came about but I really do enjoy what's been happening. As someone who does poetry and short stories, this is a huge adventure in self control. The idea of just taking a small piece of an idea or moment and putting it into a nice little bundle is difficult yet exciting. Think of it as  putting that moment you had that you keep replaying over in your head...it's a tiny story. There is no background info, no intro and no conclusion. It's just a moment. Kind of like a picture. Hope that makes sense. If not, don't worry, just read on and let me know what you think!

For clarification purposes, they don't have titles, just dates when they were created.

3/2014

That moment we stood face to face, almost touching but not. Letting the music flow around us. I smelled you. Wanted to devour you. But held back and kept my composure but knew there was no turning back. Didn't want too anyways. Made an excuse to touch you. The huntress has locked up with her prey and there is no way either of them would get out alive. But who's to say...that wasn't YOUR plan...
copyrighted AMA 2014

**************************************

4/2014
I watch you perform. You draw me into your world with no regret. I cannot stop wondering what goes through your mind, your body, as you move me with sound. You fall deeper into your zone. Pulling all the strings to our souls. Moving, shifting, engulfing space and time...all with your fingers. The drama unfolds all around you. Still you keep pushing the limits. Your passion becomes ours and the room is filled with a thickness. The rise and fall. The back and forth. The complete and utter dominance over us, is all yours and we gladly submit to your whims. There is no turning back. It's all left on the floor. YOU pulled it out of yourself and gave it to us to devour. And in return, we give you all the love that only the joy of life can exhibit during these times of pure happiness.
copyrighted AMA 2014

**************************************

6/2014
She grabbed him by the shirt collar and whispered in his ear, that it would be the end of them if he even considered hurting her. That they both agreed to cross this line together. All cards showing, no jokers in the deck. Normally, he would laugh and say something along the lines of "baby you know i would never" but the tone in her voice and the look in her eyes made it clear to him, this was a WOMAN...not a girl. And if he wanted to keep her around, he would have to be a MAN...not a boy. She was offering him something so very special and unique. She assured him, he was the only one she wanted but didn't hesistate to remind him, there was a line of suitors waiting to take his place if he slipped up. Clearing his throat, he pulled her closer by the hips and whispered into her ear something that made her loosen her grip on him and smile wickedly. Finally...a man that could give her that strong hand she yearned for. 
copyrighted AMA 2014

The Lost Art of Making Out

So many guys have chosen to bypass the whole seduction of kissing a woman endlessly because they just want to hurry up and stick their dick in her. They think it's a waste of time. They think it's old school and doesn't work. These poor, pathetic guys are the ones who don't get the ladies all hot and bothered...genuinely hot and bothered because they just give her a few pecks and then jam it in and hope she is ready. When most times, she isn't and she just fakes it to get it over with. Trust me, she isn't as ready as she claims and if you were smart enough to take time to get to know women on that deeper level, you would know the difference. 

I am a HUGE FAN of making out. I get over the moon excited when i think about the kissing certain guys. Hell, i get more excited about the possibility of kissing a guy that I'm crushing on, than i do about having actual sex with him. Not to say i don't get excited about getting freaky with him but for me...it all starts with the kissing. If he can't kiss me and enjoy the making out, then I have a hard time going much further. 

Remember when you were a teenager and all you could do was make out? Just sit and kiss, kiss, kiss for hours on end and it was the BEST THING EVER?! Us girls would run and tell our girlfriends how good of kisser he is; touching our lips every time we think about it. Then wondering when we could do it again. Guys would grin around their friends and say they don't "kiss and tell" lol Which clearly mean't they got to make out and grind jeans together lol Either way, guys were more into taking their time to make out with a girl because it got her super hot. In some cases, we would grab them and start rushing them to do more because we were so turned on by the kissing lol Either way...it was a great thing. My generation (I'm in my early 30s for the record) and the ones before us will always know the awesomeness of making out as a teenager and the joy it brought us. A decent amount of us still enjoy it to this day very much so! I feel bad for these generations that will never know that feeling. 

I don't know why guys are so quick to just stick a female! Did a memo go out that said, "Women no longer like making out, just rip their pants off and give them the dick." Because if so, that memo is a bold face lie and does nobody justice! Guys, trust me when i say, making out is a good thing! It's a very good thing. It shows you want to take the time to get her going and care about HER, not just YOU. It also prolongs the passion and heat. Unless you both agree to a quickie, most times, we don't want a "wham bam, thank you ma'am" session. We want it to go longer than 20 minutes. If you can hold out with just kissing her for 20 minutes, she will give you so much more than you expected. I'm not going anywhere near details on the awesome guys I've been so lucky to make out with and what it gets them in return lol Just know...if you haven't made out with someone in awhile, you are missing out on something wonderful and magical. 

Nobody said you have to rush into anything. Take your time. Savor the person, the moment, the connecting. It's really something special if done right.

This is dedicated to all the guys who still know how to seduce a woman by just kissing her. You are the best.

Groove

When i go dancing, i go all out. I love feeling the bass boom through my feet all the way to the tips of my fingers. I love the atmosphere of sharing the same joy with strangers. Whether it's in a hot club in Vegas or a pool party or in a museum surrounded by stuffed animals, i love it all. I experience it with my whole being and everything is perfect for that moment. The sweat dripping down my face, the sway of my hips, the need to move even if I don't know the song...it's everything. It. Is. Everything. Even when I was feeling tired of bumping into people, trying to find my girls in darkness and flashing lights and my feet hurt, if i was able to shake it, i did. I'm the girl dancing at the bar while waiting for the bartender to get to me. I'm the one dancing through the crowd, trying to get to the bathroom. I'm the one dancing up and down the stairs saying hello to the security guards. I'm the one dancing in line, trying to get into a place. I'm the one dancing. I may not have the best moves, the sexiest outfit on or look like "that girl" but I am going to have the best time I can. While all the other girls are barely moving because their feet are killing them, I'm jumping up and down to the EDM and getting my swerve on to the bangin hip hop bass. I make friends without even trying. When you don't care and just have a good time, you find those people in the crowd as well and before you know it, you're booty bumping, shoulder bouncing with someone just as cool as you. Hell, i even run into them if i move to another room and we are happy to do it all over again!

While in Vegas, something magical happened while we were at Encore Beach Club. It would be so random but fit so perfectly. The wind would kick up during the rising crescendo of whatever song was blasting and everyone would throw their hands up and feel the love and power of nature and human spirit become one. A few guys tried to talk to me while i danced, hair flying everywhere and I wasn't trying to be rude, but I had no time for them lol Especially when a few of my faves played. I was flying high on life and joy...i have no time for your shenanigans! They were all perverts anyways lol

And of course while dancing with my bestie Michelle, we always have a great time singing the lyrics and really letting loose. We can always sense the tension just leaving us and really letting go! Of course, having a few drinks in you doesn't hurt either lol We dance like nobody is watching and don't care if they are. Isn't that what it's all about anyways? Feeling alive!

I could talk for hours about each night we danced in Vegas. I could talk about the good times we had where ever we went. How we danced with strangers on the street. How i danced with a chick in the long line for the bathroom. How i danced while my girls complained about it being too cold and windy to be outside and i begged them for 5 more minutes lol How we all sang loud and proud to the old school songs at Body English and enjoyed every second of it! I could go on for days...but I won't. You just had to be there. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the withdrawals from this trip but I know blasting a lil music and dancing in my room will surely help :)

Velvet Rope Revisited

OK so Janet's Velvet Rope came out in 1997. I was a teenager going through lots during that time. I didn't care that it got bad reviews, I love me some Janet and I was going to love the album, period, right? Wrong. I actually didn't warm up to it at all for almost 6 months after getting it. I didn't "get it". I didn't understand what was the message of all the randomness and interludes. There as no flow with the songs at all.

Cut to me being in Chicago with my fam bam and I talked to my brother Steph about it (we are both huge fans). He had to explain to me that "Janet is feeling herself right now. Doesn't matter if it makes sense, it's her album her way and you have to take it one track at a time." I kind of understood but still, it was weird lol Then he said, "You will get it when you are older." Well who wants to hear that?! I've always been wise beyond my years, so I just didn't understand why he would tell me such a cliche.

Then I got older. I no longer had her posters all over my walls and all that. No more BSB either haha Around the age of 23 I rediscovered Velvet Rope and it all became much clearer. Steph said "Told you so" lol

NOW, being around the same age she was when she recorded the album, I get it even more so. She was a collection of these fun and sexy things. Layers upon layers that were all being shown via the album. I can relate MUCH MORE to the songs now. I've lived where I get the underlying messages. I get why she had to curse (something new for her on albums), why there was pain, anger, naughty, fun, silly and growth in this album. I also see why people didn't like it...they didn't get it. Us fans were still loving poppy and dancy Janet, not ready for the heavy and deeper Janet. Did it stop me from going to the concert? Hells no! Did it stop me from knowing all the words to my mom's disdain in some cases? Hells no! LOL

It's always amazing how something can grow with us and though we don't fully understand it, in time we do and it's even more special. I've loved Janet when everybody else was on the Michael fan base. She is probably one of few artists I've literally grown up with and loved through all the ups and downs and questionable moments (don't get me started on JD!). She was like the big sister I never had. I don't know if I am as awesome or ever will be as she is in my own mind. I do know I got those layers too. And I'm proud of them. Velvet Rope is a trip and a half but it's nice to finally get the whole picture and love it even more.

Music...such a beautiful trip no matter who you are and what you like.

My favorite track from Velvet Rope, "I Get Lonely" (don't act like you don't know!) Also, love the track she did with Q-Tip! Always made me wonder what they did mmhhmm I ain't mad at all gurl! lol

Rant About Oscars

Ok...I'm going to say it. And if you don't like it, I don't really care. It is what it is.

We all knew 12 Years a Slave was going to win. Don't act like it's big, new and exciting news. We knew this was going to happen. Every time a slave movie comes out, OF COURSE it's going to win all the awards and get all the hype and all that stuff. It's like for a moment in time, everyone who is on whatever committee that decides these things, says "Yes...that movie was great, it needs an award. Because if we don't, they will all be mad at us and we don't want that. Yes, give the black movie an award. That was easy." I'm so over this. I'm over slave movies, over people making money off of slavery. It's not something that needs to be repeatedly depicted on some grand level. Are we trying to make people feel guilty or trying to appease a certain type of people so they stop trying to revolt against us? Are we scared to NOT give it an award? Why in the world are we even GIVING AWARDS?!

There is no real rhyme or reason for all these award shows. All we need is one for all the movies that were worthy the prior year and call it a day. Stop giving all these awards for the same damn movie all year long! You got an Oscar...that's all you need! Just that. No more. Maybe a SAG one too but that's truly it! These things have become nothing but shallow, flashy, instagram events. Oh let's applaud us doing our job and what we love, yes, lets give each other statues made in a 3rd world country to show each other how awesome we are. Let's play dress up everybody!! Don't get me wrong, i love dressing up and going out. But i can find 1000 other things to do than sit for hours, in an amazing outfit, all done and clapping for hours on end. Why not just have a damn party and be like "You are all awesome actors, let's drink!" and call it a bloody day? Nonsense the lot of it, i tell you!

When Will Smith trotted out on stage WE ALL KNEW, what movie was going to win! COME ON NOW! If 12 Years a Slave didn't win...Oprah, Kobe, Al Sharpton and every other over dramatic person, would have all tweeted, facebooked and instragramed the hell out of social media about the movie losing. It would have become a media storm of epic proportions in the entertainment world. Hell regular news stations would even report about it, because ya know...nothing else important is going on in the world. And if SOMEBODY ASKED OBAMA ABOUT IT...I SWEAR!

*give me a minute*

Now, please...don't you EVER THINK I don't support good movies, good actors and all that. I do. I love film! I appreciate it on a whole other level. And I am not saying 12 Years a Slave wasn't a great film (it should be said, i haven't seen it yet...doesn't make my points any less valid though and if you think so, you clearly don't get it.) What I am saying is...let's stop with the slave movies. Let's stop giving people awards because you feel guilty about things done in the past. Stop making it "ok" about things done in the past. It wasn't OK. It will never BE OK. But it happened and we need to accept it and move on from it. I don't want there to be some movie about gays coming out either about their struggle and we give that an award just to appease that group of people. I'd feel the same way if it was a gay, hispanic, albiano or any other minority film. A golden statue isn't going to make it better. It's so fucking shallow to think it will too.

I can hear some of you now...but the struggle is real, the fight is still going on...bla bla bla

Screw all that noise! Let's be real, shall we...

The struggle is put upon yourself after all these years. If you can't get shit together that's on YOU. NOT someone else. If someone doesn't want you to work at a company because of your race, sexual orientation etc. screw them! Move on...find a company that WILL hire you based on your experience and not the other stuff. Don't act like you are being held back because of these things. You aren't. The only thing holding you back is YOU! If you have a tattoo and they don't want you to have one...you got 2 choices to make...leave the job or cover the tattoo. But don't act like "society is holding me down because of my ink, man" SHUT UP WITH THAT NONSENSE! You can do whatever the hell you want. You can be whatever the hell you want. You don't have to let ignorance hold you back. You dont' have to let close minded people keep you from your goals. And you don't have to accept pity anything. People like to play off bribes and appeasing someone with things like promotions, gifts, extra vacation days, extra food and lots of other things to try and make up for their ignorance, bigotry, homophobia, racism and all those other personality issues. You don't have to deal with that. You can get up, walk away and make your own damn path of awesomeness!

Everyone in 12 Years a Slave deserved to make something great. They are all great at what they do. I support the art of making a film. The art of writing a film. The art of actors. The art of film as a whole is amazing and should be supported. But I don't like the dumbing down and shallow mirror these awards shows bring to the art. Instead of giving it all these awards, why not just let it be in theaters longer for more people to watch. Why not bring down the price of a damn movie ticket. Why not release it all over so EVERYONE has a chance to see it and celebrate it. Why not give the heartfelt films bigger budgets and not just hype up the blockbusters all the damn time. And when it goes to DVD, stop jacking up the price because of all the extras. And stop watering it down when it hits cable tv. Because I am so tired of seeing the watered down version of ROOTS all over the damn place! Maybe that's another reason why I'm over slave movies. ROOTS was it. We didn't need another version of it. We didn't need 10 more films showing how slaves had it hard and all that mess. We got it...we got ROOTS...we don't need anymore. The same goes for Jesus films and movies about cars going fast (i'm just saying, don't hate the truth!)

Lastly...Mr. AlrightAlrightAlright didn't deserve that award. I don't care what anyone says. NO. NOPE. NO. I don't understand how DiCaprio got snubbed AGAIN! He is 1000 times better than McCoughney will ever hope to be! He embodies one of the best acting talents we have ever seen. And if he just couldn't have it, why not Bale? BALE! Who cares if he was Batman (though i LOOOOVVEEE Batman), he can act circles around McCoughney as well and still got snubbed! But you know what, it's all good. Because both Bale and DiCaprio will still keep doing amazing work! They will keep taking us to places we didn't even know were real. They will keep pumping out phenomenal work and McCoughney will just bang his bangos, make more babies and talk about that one time he won an Oscar. I loathe that man. Can barely make sense let alone a good movie.

That's all i got. You hate it or love it, I don't care. I'mma still be me and I'mma still keep posting my thoughts, no matter what anyone thinks! DO YOU!!

iCrave

So everyone did New Years Resolutions and is trying to stick to them, 14 days into the New Year. If you are still sticking with yours, CONGRATS! I'm happy for you! If you have already given up, no worries, you have tons of the year left to better yourself any time you want :) The whole pressure to start a New Year being this or that is hard. I think you can do it anytime, no matter what year it is and still succeed.

That said, I didn't make a resolution until maybe a week ago? Something like that lol I decided I'm going to stop chasing guys...really people in general. Stop putting forth MORE effort in friendships with people who I'm getting not nearly enough in return. I have a habit of being TOO available to many people who don't deserve that much of my time. I have a big heart. I really want to help as many people as i can be happy and feel cared for...even if it's at my own expense. This leads to me being taken for granted and left alone and bitter when I need someone. The giving person usually suffers silently when they have their own problems. We keep it to ourselves because we don't want to be a "burden" to anyone else. But if someone needs us, we are right there with all the love, effort and friendship you need...no matter when it is. This, for me, needs to calm down a bit. Putting others ahead of myself has smothered me and turned me sort of against helping people all together. When i get overwhelmed with helping everyone else, I can't handle my own issues and I just want to shut down and shut out the World. I have to pull back for my own sanity.

I deserve to make myself happy. I deserve to be cared for and about. I HAVE people who will be there for me whenever I need them and I need to utilize that MORE than i do. Because being quiet and keeping it to myself doesn't help anyone...ever. I am only human...a human with a huge heart and soul. But I'm over being abused and taken for granted.

This year I really want MORE EXPERIENCES AND ADVENTURES!! I have to see more of the people i love this year. I have to do that, there is no doubt about that. It's something I NEED to do actually. People always say, "i want to live more". Pft! I live lots, what i want to do is add more LIFE into my LIFE...if that makes any sense lol I want to give espresso shots to my life! Shake everything up and do what i want that makes me happy!

So this year, I guess I am going to be more selfish. I gave a lot of myself in 2013...some by choice and some not by choice. In 2012 i was vastly more selfish but I still didn't get as much done as I would have liked too. So this year I'm taking the best of both and maybe giving a bit more to myself overall. I deserve it! I have earned it! I'm too awesome NOT to give myself everything I want and need. Don't get it twisted though, when i say selfish that doesn't mean I'm going to ignore my friends and family and go on some Lindsay Lohan binge or debauchery lol It means, those of you whom i cherish will get to share these experiences with me MORE and we will have the best memories and times together! But when I need my ME TIME, let me have that please haha

I hope you all continue to have a great, promising and amazing 2014! Don't wait for life to happen! Go grab it by the balls and make it your bitch!

White Flame

She is the one holding those quiet moments in her hands
She has those secrets you dare not share with anyone
But you shared it with her
Told her your fears, your joys, everything
Trusted her with a piece of your soul
As you should have
She is the one who would never betray you
The one who would stand by you in the darkest nights and brightest days
She protected you from yourself
You gave her things you've never given anyone else before
Made her apart of you in a subtle but intense way
She never did you wrong
Never held anything you said in trust over you
She took those things in her hands and locked them away for safe keeping
Not a word shall be uttered
Not a regret made
The only one with the key is you and her
And she would not use her's unless you asked her to do so
Oh the power she has with such secrets
The things she could do to you
The worlds she could destroy with a whisper
But she does not
It doesn't even cross her mind to do such evil
Because she is a rare woman indeed
Not a second place, but a first and only woman
You know someone like her only comes around once in this life
This realization makes you grab ahold of her and adore her with all your being
And she...
She makes you feel like the only man she will ever care about so deeply
Makes you feel like the King of her world, every single day
Everyone knows you got the best
Everyone tells you, she is the one
In all this praise she still humble
Nothing goes to her head, nothing inflates her ego
She tells them she is blessed to have YOU
Such an amazing man to have as a best friend and a lover
Unfortunately...old habits die hard
And you...such an amazing man have decided you can't be with such a rare woman
You...just can't
So after a few months...maybe even a year or so...you do something unimaginable
You cut her deep
The pieces of her heart she gave you mean nothing now
And there is no explanation as to why...but there are excuses...lots and lots of excuses
This woman hears you, sees you, knows you
And all you can do is offer up excuses
So with all her strength...all her soul...all her fire...she walks away
Having learned another lesson
Having collected more secrets
Having become MORE aware of who she is
In the quietness she may shed a few tears
Not because you are no longer there
Not because you hurt her for no reason at all
But because she showed you her rarity and you still abused such beauty
She will not cry long though
She will carry on as you fade from her memory
As you become somebody she no longer flinches about
And one day, when she can barely remember your face...
She come across the secrets she has of you
She will smile a wicked little smile at the thought of letting them loose
But she won't
Lucky for you, she isn't made like that
She will take these secrets, put them in a jar like fireflies, label it with your name and put you on the shelf
With the others
Her collection isn't many at all
But what she does have is intense
She will look at them all with fuzzy memories and then close and lock the door again
Only to return there if she has more secrets to put on the shelf
For she doesn't need to linger and revel over them
She doesn't care to go through the details of such people anymore
She has a fire to keep lit
And no matter how many try to stomp it out, it won't go out
She is a rare woman
And when she finds the one man who will cherish, love and appreciate her rarity,
there will no longer be a need to store the secrets of the past men
She will burn them all and you will just be sitting there...
With your puddle that you ditched her for
Rare is the woman who knows a mans secrets and doesn't use them against him, even when he hurts her
and chooses to be with someone as deep and rare as a puddle on a rainy day.

copyrighted AMA 2014