One minute ago i sat down to write my father a message asking for money. And as i sat there, thinking of how to do this i thought, "damn, I've really hit a wall if i'm doing this". As soon as i typed "Hey Dad" i got nauseous and just said, NOPE.
I can't do it. I absolutely cannot do it. I cannot ask this man for money. Call it pride, stubbornness or whatever you want but i cannot do it. I rather keep doing what i am doing, struggles and all and keep doing it all on my own. There is no part of me that can stomach asking that man for ANYTHING. And I've never asked him for anything after all these years. Not one thing. Not even for flowers when my grandmother, his mother died. Not even for prayers when mom was in the hospital sick. Not even for RESPECT after all the crap he did, when again, my grandmother, his mother passed away. Nope, nothing. So coming up on a milestone birthday it's weird to be even considering asking him for something...something i am easily owed.
But i won't. Because i am better than that! I am not giving up and i am NOT asking him for anything, just like i haven't all these years. I haven't seen my father since i was 18 and i'm in my 30s now. No communication either. He can talk to everyone else but his first child and only daughter...me. It is what it is.
I am sharing this moment because i know others can relate. I know i am not alone in this constant battle with a parent. Internal battle that we grow out of but at times shows it's ugly, annoying head. You can do better. You will be fine. We all will. Struggles and all. Just keep pushing on, do the right things and don't be afraid. I believe in God, so i'm just sticking with that and keeping my head up. But even if you don't believe in a higher power, you got this. It sucks doing the right thing all on our own, all the time is super hard and stressful but at the end of the day you can hold your head up and know YOU DID IT!!
So thankful for my mother who without i could be on the streets for all i know. That alone keeps me from lowering myself to asking that man for anything. I made my peace with it a long time ago...not gonna let some small money struggles undo all the work i've done personally to unhinge me. Because we all know, this fire sign can not keep her mouth shut if someone tries to tell her what's what and its a lie lol
Gotta keep ya head up!!
