It's World Suicide Prevention Day. It's National Suicide Prevention Month.
I hope none of you ever get a message or letter from someone you love saying goodbye. I have. I would never wish it upon anyone. Not even my worst enemy. It's something you never truly get over. Time heals and helps but it's still something you can't get over. Mainly because it's not natural.
There is nothing natural about someone taking their own life. It's hard to wrap our minds around, even if we've considered it for a moment. It's just something we will never fully understand.
When one of my very best friends decided to leave this world by his own hands, a part of me died with him. And i never felt like i didn't do anything. We had a long and strong friendship. We knew one another's dark sides. We trusted and loved one another. He was my rock when i couldn't stand. When i couldn't make sense of everything inside and outside of me, he was there to get me back on the right path. He talked me down and up and out of things all the time. He mocked me, he loved me, he supported me. He was annoyed by me on so many occasions but he never turned his back on me fully. He never left me out in the cold too long. He made me learn lessons sometimes the hard way, but he never abandoned me. And that is how i treated him during some of his darkest times. I loved him, supported him, mocked him and never abandoned him, no matter how many times he told me to leave him alone. He called me a rash on his ass more than once lol And that was just the tip of our friendship.
So when i heard he had passed, like i said, apart of me died with him. But also, apart of me felt his relief and soon i felt his peace. And in my sobbing and heartache i was able to sort of feel what he wanted. He just wanted peace. After reading his goodbye letter the hurt and loss didn't pass or get better. It got worse because i heard him and i felt him. I knew exactly what he was saying by what he wasn't saying. It was thought out, it was planned, it was confirmed...it was my friend. Knowing how he was, i knew he didn't come to this decision quickly or randomly. He wasn't that kind of person. He was methodical. So in a sense there was a weird comfort in knowing that he had thought about this for a long time. And that he didn't want to hurt any of us, but he understood it if we were. He didn't want any of us to be upset but he understood if we were. And in reading his letter any time, and reading old conversations we use to have, i understood more of his choice and his need for peace....and ultimately freedom.
The thing that will always haunt me though is the night before he passed, he reached out to me via online messenger and i was cooking or taking a shower, i forget which one. Either way, i was away from my computer. And he waited to talk to me but after 15 minutes gave up and said he loved me and would catch me another time. Little did i know, that would be the last time i would've had to talk to him. And i replied back to his message saying i loved him too and would talk to him later. But that never happened. In his letter he told me i could always talk to him and he would always be listening. Just because he wasn't physically near, doesn't mean he wasn't with me. That was a huge comfort. And it was just like him to be comforting me when he was doing something...not normal.
It's coming up on 3 years and it doesn't feel like it at all. I never stopped talking to my love Gage. And there are some times when i know without a doubt he talked back to me. He has contacted me and given me signs of his presence. And i know he has laughed at me and with me during some of my ridiculous moments. I will always love him. He will always be with me. And i know he will always love me. How i truly wish he was still physically here, daily. I would give just about anything to have him back.
Helping someone that we care about should come naturally. Being there for someone should come naturally. Sadly, that isn't always the case though. We get caught up in our own lives and sometimes we take others for granted and don't notice their cries for help. The cries might be really, really quiet too. But we have to pay attention and get out of our own asses if we want to really help someone else. It might just be a simple text saying "i love you". Or it could be a full on 4 page letter catching up with them and asking how they are and wanting to get together. It could be a message on social media saying you miss them and hope they are doing well. It could be a silent hug randomly. I know i like random hugs. Or even a high five. Make them smile like only you can. I have actually helped other friends in similar situations and i didn't even know it. So trust me when i say, you can save a life.
Suicide Prevention is something i have supported even before my love Gage passed away. There are tons of organizations you can support locally and globally. You don't even have to give money. You can just write a simple message of support to someone. You can volunteer your time a few times a month or more if you so choose. You can help raise money for the organizations. You can help keep the lines of communication open on so many levels for those who need help and feel all is lost. YOU can help.
And if you are the one that needs help...needs a rock...needs someone to talk to you who won't judge you and will love you, even though they don't know you, there is help out there. You can even message me and i will be there for you. We are all in this together. Every soul matters. Every person deserves to live and be loved. You don't have to go at it alone.
If you or someone you know needs help with ANYTHING, please feel free to use any of the links below. You matter. We all matter.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
The Trevor Project (one of my favorites organizations to support and be apart of)
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
The Foundation for Hope
http://hope611.org/
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
www.afsp.org
I am still healing and dealing with the loss of my friend. But knowing that he knew i loved him and supported him always, makes it a tiny bit less heartbreaking. There is help for those of us who have lost someone to suicide as well. Everyone needs a support system. You can be one to prevent the heartbreak and to help heal it if it does happen. If you are reading this and feel compelled to reach out to me, please feel free to do so. You can contact me at: razzice@hotmail.com I will help you however i can and if i can't do it on my own, we can get you the help you need, no matter where you are. And if you want to share your story, with your permission i will do so on this blog and you can send it to my email as well.
Every life deserves to live. And if nobody has told you lately, i love you.
Sep 10, 2015
Jul 15, 2015
One Last Time (tiny story)
Lately, I've decided to challenge myself as a writer and force myself to write at least one thing a week. Between the last 2 weeks I've written 4 things! That's a lot for someone who has been stuck in Block Mode for the last 2 years. I definitely have cracks and chunks falling off the block that is keeping me trapped. So excited! If you are a creative spirit then you know how this is. We push and push and push to create something, anything! And when it finally happens it's such a relief!
Anyways...here is something i did the other night. I call it a "Tiny Story". Much shorter than a short story. They give you just a small tiny glimpse of a moment in the person's life. Just a moment. Almost like a picture. You will probably never know what happened before nor after the moment. All you get is this little piece to chew on. That's how these little pieces of joy come to me. Any and all comments are welcome!
One Last Time
7/13/2015
Laying my hand on your face I whisper in your ear "can you feel that? Do you hear that? Ssssshhhh..."
You don't understand what I am saying but you stay still as I cover your mouth with mine.
You know what that is?
It's the feeling of you losing me.
You know what that sound is?
It's the sound of me leaving you.
Because you don't understand how much I could love you.
You don't see what is right here in front of
you...on a silver platter.
You don't feel how much I could enhance your life...every second I am around.
I could give you everything you need AND want.
I am that person who will breathe life into you when you can no longer stand.
Give you strength when you are weak. Give you love when you feel
unlovable.
That is me. This is me.
But you...you can't feel that. You can't see that.
I brush the sides of your cheeks waiting for you to hear me as I burn these words into your chest.
But you don't. You never will. And for that I am truly sorry. Because you made me so happy.
You gave me smiles beyond the sun. And I cherished the moments we were together.
Every second. I thought we were on this path together but I was wrong.
And I have grown tired of giving you chances to see me as I am.
To love me, as I am. To take me into your soul and make me yours.
So I'll lay here a little longer. I have no energy for a fight. I have no energy to explain why this will be the last time. I'll let you believe I will be back.
Let you feel like you can keep taking me for granted.
I will let you relax in my arms one last time.
For when I leave...I won't look back...I won't wonder "what if?".
I already know what the "what if" is and it's not what I want. It's not what I deserve. It's not what you deserve. You are not good enough for me and I am too good for you.
So enjoy my love one last night. For you poor boy, will
never feel it again.
copyrighted A. Albert 2015
Anyways...here is something i did the other night. I call it a "Tiny Story". Much shorter than a short story. They give you just a small tiny glimpse of a moment in the person's life. Just a moment. Almost like a picture. You will probably never know what happened before nor after the moment. All you get is this little piece to chew on. That's how these little pieces of joy come to me. Any and all comments are welcome!
One Last Time
7/13/2015
Laying my hand on your face I whisper in your ear "can you feel that? Do you hear that? Ssssshhhh..."
You don't understand what I am saying but you stay still as I cover your mouth with mine.
You know what that is?
It's the feeling of you losing me.
You know what that sound is?
It's the sound of me leaving you.
Because you don't understand how much I could love you.
You don't see what is right here in front of
you...on a silver platter.
You don't feel how much I could enhance your life...every second I am around.
I could give you everything you need AND want.
I am that person who will breathe life into you when you can no longer stand.
Give you strength when you are weak. Give you love when you feel
unlovable.
That is me. This is me.
But you...you can't feel that. You can't see that.
I brush the sides of your cheeks waiting for you to hear me as I burn these words into your chest.
But you don't. You never will. And for that I am truly sorry. Because you made me so happy.
You gave me smiles beyond the sun. And I cherished the moments we were together.
Every second. I thought we were on this path together but I was wrong.
And I have grown tired of giving you chances to see me as I am.
To love me, as I am. To take me into your soul and make me yours.
So I'll lay here a little longer. I have no energy for a fight. I have no energy to explain why this will be the last time. I'll let you believe I will be back.
Let you feel like you can keep taking me for granted.
I will let you relax in my arms one last time.
For when I leave...I won't look back...I won't wonder "what if?".
I already know what the "what if" is and it's not what I want. It's not what I deserve. It's not what you deserve. You are not good enough for me and I am too good for you.
So enjoy my love one last night. For you poor boy, will
never feel it again.
copyrighted A. Albert 2015
Jul 9, 2015
My (Frustrated) 2 Cents
So much is happening lately and i find myself just frustrated with the state of people's reactions to many of these things. We are somehow getting dumber by the day and it's just EVERYWHERE!
Here are my thoughts on some things happening.
- Bill Cosby. Ok...so...ok. I am not one of those people to think, "oh he never would do that, he is a good and honest man who would never ever be so evil." Yeah no. But i am also not someone who thinks "yep he did it, dirty old perverted man!" The only people that know what went on, are him and the people in the room. That's it. Done and done. I honestly, don't care if he did or didn't. Oh no! How can you be so insensitive? He is a predator! He deserves to be punished! Really? You believe that with all your heart, this old man needs to be punished? I'm not condoning drugging women on any level, get that right. I just don't believe all the stories. I don't believe all these women. And i don't believe a celebrity of his status and age needs to be dragged through the mud for something THESE WOMEN didn't report till 20, 30, 40 years later. If it was such a big and traumatic event, why not say anything when it happened? You carried all this, all these years? He can't pay you shit ya know. And too much time has passed for you to get a trial. So really...why on earth are you just doing this? I think they just want to tarnish his career. But you forget....his career is pretty much cemented in our entertainment world, so sure it's an asterisk or dark smudge but those of us who grew up watching him, will always love him as Dr. Huxteble and a great entertainer. So yeah, go ahead be all "bad bad old man" all you want but it's not going to change the past and I doubt it's going to make the so called victims feel any better. Just move on already. You waited this long to speak out...you can no go back to whatever you were doing and leave the man alone sheesh.
- Bruce Jenner. Yeah that guy or woman...whichever. Fine, be a woman. Go through all the changes and things and be the person you have felt you needed to be after all these years. I don't care. What pisses me off about all this is the blatant display of it all. You had to not just transform but you had to do it with the whole world watching? Because ya know, this isn't a personal journey at all. It's a journey you need to get paid for. Don't act like i'm not right. I am all for people being who they want to be. You can be whatever you want as long as it's not hurting anyone else. But to just unapologetically use the media and your followers to show off this journey is disgusting. If he wasn't connected to the K family, he wouldn't have even done it so publically! Most transgender people don't go around like a got damn peacock telling everyone "look at me, i have a vagina or a penis now! Look at me, i'm doing this serious change and i need the whole world to know about it! Look at me! Look at me! LOOK AT ME!!!" That's what pisses me off so much about all this BS! The full on LOOK AT ME about it all. And what happened? We ate that shit up like it was the last bottle of water in the desert. We made it everything and so much more. It became THE THING and we played right into it. Oh but let us not forget Kim is preggers, Kourtney and Scott are broken up and Khloe is just becoming another Kim. These people have us eating out of their hands and filling their bank accounts with every fucking move they make and it's sickening. Go be you Bruce/Cait, whoever you are. But seriously, do it without the cameras because for as many fans as you have, there are twice as many people who don't care.
- Gay Marriage. WOOHOOO!!!!! I love all the love and rainbows and all this happiness happening behind this battle won! It's a beautiful thing when 2 people truly want to spend forever together and the nation says, do it! Alas...people are taking their religious beliefs and trying to shove it down everyone's else's throats by denying these love birds everything from cakes to wedding licenses. Why do you hate marriage so much? Why do you hate love so much? Why do you want people to be miserable like you so much? If you truly have an understanding of your Christian beliefs then you should love everyone no matter what they do or who they matter. The absolute basis for Christianity is LOVE! Love everyone! Even your enemies. Even the weirdo who wears big bird underwear at age 40. Love him....maybe at a distance but love him still. If he is free to wear his big bird underwear, why can't people be free to marry and have fabulous weddings?! OH and the people yelling the loudest against the new law are the ones who have THE BEST SKELETONS IN THEIR CLOSETS!! I mean....seriously! I am having the best popcorn and tea sipping time ever learning about these people who won't make a cake for the gay couple. Like.....it's a cake! They aren't asking you to watch them do a gang bang! They just want cake! CAKE!! WHY ARE YOU DENYING PEOPLE THE RIGHT TO HAVE CAKE?! No religious faith says "they can't have cake if they sleep with someone of the same sex". NOT ONE! They aren't inviting you to the wedding either. You know why you didn't get an invite? Because you won't let them have cake. That's what you get! BOO YOU! BOO TO ALL OF YOU HATERS!! I hope you don't ever get cake ever again! And if you do, i hope the person who made it spit in it because they know how stupid and mean you are!
- Ben Asshat as Batman (Tatum as Gambit too). He should not ever be Batman. Period. He got the job because he gives good head to the right people. He will never be Batman to me. He will never be good at it. He can kiss my ass! Also...kiss my ass again! I am a HUGE Batman fan. This whole thing is a huge slap in the face! It's like WB and DC just couldn't find anyone else do they gave it ot the latest Oscar winner. And for the record, i don't think he deserved that Oscar either. How the fuck does Asshat get an Oscar before Dicaprio?! I am so over all of this shit it's not even funny anymore! He will destroy the franchise! Bale should've been the last Batman. We don't need ANOTHER BATMAN MOVIE! We don't even really need Batman to show up in other movies either. If anything, do a younger Batman and show us how he became so skilled and awesome and redo the villians that Clooney and Kilmer messed up! Give us something we can sink our teeth into, like Nolan did. Stop revamping and making him look like the terminator or Batdroid! Now, as for Channing Tatum being Gambit....WTF IS THIS NOISE?! Again...can we not find another actor who is more skilled and suited for the role? We just gotta keep pulling the IT GUY so girls will be into it? Is that what you are thinking casting directors? Because this is bullshit! Real Fan Girls are not liking this choice at all. He can't even pull off the accent. He will forever look like a jock frat guy with that stupid look on his face. How am i suppose to believe he is a mutant? I can't. I won't. I will not see either of these jerks in either of these movies. And it sucks to say that because i love me some Batman and Gambit but i will not support this nonsense. And i swear on a stack of mint condition comic books if they do another got damn origin story Spiderman, i am going to shoot a puppy! Ok no i won't but i will smack any of my friends who support it. Why can't DC just stick with making Superman better and let Marvel handle all other superhero movies? Because seriously....they do the damn thing brilliantly! Hell Chris Pratt would do a better job at being Batman than Asshat and i'd see him do it repeatedly!! Oh man...Jurassic World was everything and then some! We need more of that...and less of these half assed remakes, reboots and prequels!
- Plus Sized Women Being Awesome. The fact that this has become a trendy thing kind of annoys me. Mainly for the fact that it's taking people this long to speak out about what real women look and feel like. It's taken this long for designers to make fashion that isn't got damn ugly for women who are bigger than a size 10. It's taken this long for people to stop being so ignorant to the fat shamming we do every single day to women. Not to mention slut shamming too. We are just shamming women all over the place and it's taken this long for people to really understand and see it and support NOT shamming. (I won't go into Slut Shamming though because that's a whole other topic and i have my own thoughts about it that would make for a better solo post) Big can be beautiful. Healthy is even better if you ask me. I don't care if you are 300lbs or 100lbs, if you are healthy that's what matters! And why on earth are we still calling a size 12 woman "Plus Size"?? We are just a size 12. We are not PLUS SIZED! And if you say SUPER SIZED I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE BALLS! All women are beautiful no matter what size they are. The fact that we for so many years have held the thin and not curvy on a pedestal for so long is what needs to be shamed. The fact that we keep feeding young girls this bullshit that "thin is in" is what needs to be shamed. The fact that we have created the illnesses Anorexia, Bulimia and Obesity is what needs to be shamed! We did this to ourselves AND THEN we turn around and shame the hell out of everyone who doesn't look exactly how we think they should. Because ya know, every body is the same and every single person needs to look the same across the board...that is what life is all about...looking, being, feeling the exact same. Fuck that. I am what society calls "plus size", but i never thought of myself as such. I got rolls and jiggly parts. I got stretch marks and a yummy booty. I got all the parts of nice thick woman basically. And guess what, it never defined who i was, nor did i let anyone define me by my weight. And if i ever heard anyone shamming me for my size, i told them where to go real fast. Women are awesome in every shape. That's what we need to be talking about...how awesome women are PERIOD. Fuck her size, she is woman...she is awesome, end of story.
Think i'm done...for now :)
Here are my thoughts on some things happening.
- Bill Cosby. Ok...so...ok. I am not one of those people to think, "oh he never would do that, he is a good and honest man who would never ever be so evil." Yeah no. But i am also not someone who thinks "yep he did it, dirty old perverted man!" The only people that know what went on, are him and the people in the room. That's it. Done and done. I honestly, don't care if he did or didn't. Oh no! How can you be so insensitive? He is a predator! He deserves to be punished! Really? You believe that with all your heart, this old man needs to be punished? I'm not condoning drugging women on any level, get that right. I just don't believe all the stories. I don't believe all these women. And i don't believe a celebrity of his status and age needs to be dragged through the mud for something THESE WOMEN didn't report till 20, 30, 40 years later. If it was such a big and traumatic event, why not say anything when it happened? You carried all this, all these years? He can't pay you shit ya know. And too much time has passed for you to get a trial. So really...why on earth are you just doing this? I think they just want to tarnish his career. But you forget....his career is pretty much cemented in our entertainment world, so sure it's an asterisk or dark smudge but those of us who grew up watching him, will always love him as Dr. Huxteble and a great entertainer. So yeah, go ahead be all "bad bad old man" all you want but it's not going to change the past and I doubt it's going to make the so called victims feel any better. Just move on already. You waited this long to speak out...you can no go back to whatever you were doing and leave the man alone sheesh.
- Bruce Jenner. Yeah that guy or woman...whichever. Fine, be a woman. Go through all the changes and things and be the person you have felt you needed to be after all these years. I don't care. What pisses me off about all this is the blatant display of it all. You had to not just transform but you had to do it with the whole world watching? Because ya know, this isn't a personal journey at all. It's a journey you need to get paid for. Don't act like i'm not right. I am all for people being who they want to be. You can be whatever you want as long as it's not hurting anyone else. But to just unapologetically use the media and your followers to show off this journey is disgusting. If he wasn't connected to the K family, he wouldn't have even done it so publically! Most transgender people don't go around like a got damn peacock telling everyone "look at me, i have a vagina or a penis now! Look at me, i'm doing this serious change and i need the whole world to know about it! Look at me! Look at me! LOOK AT ME!!!" That's what pisses me off so much about all this BS! The full on LOOK AT ME about it all. And what happened? We ate that shit up like it was the last bottle of water in the desert. We made it everything and so much more. It became THE THING and we played right into it. Oh but let us not forget Kim is preggers, Kourtney and Scott are broken up and Khloe is just becoming another Kim. These people have us eating out of their hands and filling their bank accounts with every fucking move they make and it's sickening. Go be you Bruce/Cait, whoever you are. But seriously, do it without the cameras because for as many fans as you have, there are twice as many people who don't care.
- Gay Marriage. WOOHOOO!!!!! I love all the love and rainbows and all this happiness happening behind this battle won! It's a beautiful thing when 2 people truly want to spend forever together and the nation says, do it! Alas...people are taking their religious beliefs and trying to shove it down everyone's else's throats by denying these love birds everything from cakes to wedding licenses. Why do you hate marriage so much? Why do you hate love so much? Why do you want people to be miserable like you so much? If you truly have an understanding of your Christian beliefs then you should love everyone no matter what they do or who they matter. The absolute basis for Christianity is LOVE! Love everyone! Even your enemies. Even the weirdo who wears big bird underwear at age 40. Love him....maybe at a distance but love him still. If he is free to wear his big bird underwear, why can't people be free to marry and have fabulous weddings?! OH and the people yelling the loudest against the new law are the ones who have THE BEST SKELETONS IN THEIR CLOSETS!! I mean....seriously! I am having the best popcorn and tea sipping time ever learning about these people who won't make a cake for the gay couple. Like.....it's a cake! They aren't asking you to watch them do a gang bang! They just want cake! CAKE!! WHY ARE YOU DENYING PEOPLE THE RIGHT TO HAVE CAKE?! No religious faith says "they can't have cake if they sleep with someone of the same sex". NOT ONE! They aren't inviting you to the wedding either. You know why you didn't get an invite? Because you won't let them have cake. That's what you get! BOO YOU! BOO TO ALL OF YOU HATERS!! I hope you don't ever get cake ever again! And if you do, i hope the person who made it spit in it because they know how stupid and mean you are!
- Ben Asshat as Batman (Tatum as Gambit too). He should not ever be Batman. Period. He got the job because he gives good head to the right people. He will never be Batman to me. He will never be good at it. He can kiss my ass! Also...kiss my ass again! I am a HUGE Batman fan. This whole thing is a huge slap in the face! It's like WB and DC just couldn't find anyone else do they gave it ot the latest Oscar winner. And for the record, i don't think he deserved that Oscar either. How the fuck does Asshat get an Oscar before Dicaprio?! I am so over all of this shit it's not even funny anymore! He will destroy the franchise! Bale should've been the last Batman. We don't need ANOTHER BATMAN MOVIE! We don't even really need Batman to show up in other movies either. If anything, do a younger Batman and show us how he became so skilled and awesome and redo the villians that Clooney and Kilmer messed up! Give us something we can sink our teeth into, like Nolan did. Stop revamping and making him look like the terminator or Batdroid! Now, as for Channing Tatum being Gambit....WTF IS THIS NOISE?! Again...can we not find another actor who is more skilled and suited for the role? We just gotta keep pulling the IT GUY so girls will be into it? Is that what you are thinking casting directors? Because this is bullshit! Real Fan Girls are not liking this choice at all. He can't even pull off the accent. He will forever look like a jock frat guy with that stupid look on his face. How am i suppose to believe he is a mutant? I can't. I won't. I will not see either of these jerks in either of these movies. And it sucks to say that because i love me some Batman and Gambit but i will not support this nonsense. And i swear on a stack of mint condition comic books if they do another got damn origin story Spiderman, i am going to shoot a puppy! Ok no i won't but i will smack any of my friends who support it. Why can't DC just stick with making Superman better and let Marvel handle all other superhero movies? Because seriously....they do the damn thing brilliantly! Hell Chris Pratt would do a better job at being Batman than Asshat and i'd see him do it repeatedly!! Oh man...Jurassic World was everything and then some! We need more of that...and less of these half assed remakes, reboots and prequels!
- Plus Sized Women Being Awesome. The fact that this has become a trendy thing kind of annoys me. Mainly for the fact that it's taking people this long to speak out about what real women look and feel like. It's taken this long for designers to make fashion that isn't got damn ugly for women who are bigger than a size 10. It's taken this long for people to stop being so ignorant to the fat shamming we do every single day to women. Not to mention slut shamming too. We are just shamming women all over the place and it's taken this long for people to really understand and see it and support NOT shamming. (I won't go into Slut Shamming though because that's a whole other topic and i have my own thoughts about it that would make for a better solo post) Big can be beautiful. Healthy is even better if you ask me. I don't care if you are 300lbs or 100lbs, if you are healthy that's what matters! And why on earth are we still calling a size 12 woman "Plus Size"?? We are just a size 12. We are not PLUS SIZED! And if you say SUPER SIZED I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE BALLS! All women are beautiful no matter what size they are. The fact that we for so many years have held the thin and not curvy on a pedestal for so long is what needs to be shamed. The fact that we keep feeding young girls this bullshit that "thin is in" is what needs to be shamed. The fact that we have created the illnesses Anorexia, Bulimia and Obesity is what needs to be shamed! We did this to ourselves AND THEN we turn around and shame the hell out of everyone who doesn't look exactly how we think they should. Because ya know, every body is the same and every single person needs to look the same across the board...that is what life is all about...looking, being, feeling the exact same. Fuck that. I am what society calls "plus size", but i never thought of myself as such. I got rolls and jiggly parts. I got stretch marks and a yummy booty. I got all the parts of nice thick woman basically. And guess what, it never defined who i was, nor did i let anyone define me by my weight. And if i ever heard anyone shamming me for my size, i told them where to go real fast. Women are awesome in every shape. That's what we need to be talking about...how awesome women are PERIOD. Fuck her size, she is woman...she is awesome, end of story.
Think i'm done...for now :)
Jun 23, 2015
Blinders Off
We get so caught up in our own lives we don't see the signs
We are so plugged in and opinionated about everything around us we forget whats in front of us.
We like, share, snap, share, share, share and share some more
Sometimes we all agree and other times we don't agree at all
So we just keep plugging along with attention spans of goldfish
Thinking because some "lol" or put a happy emoji at the end of statement they are fine
But they are not fine actually
They are just going through life, the motions to keep everyone else comfortable
Because people get uncomfortable when people actually stop and feel something real
When the selfies stop
When the emojis' stop
When the likes and constant need for acceptance stops
What happens??
We actually fucking feel something and then we make people uncomfortable
People get all kinds of bent out of shape when you actually feel something besides happiness
When you stop smiling, people get scared
Because you are the pillar of smiling and making jokes
You are the pillar of strength
You are the pillar of comfort and security when shit goes down
That's what you are
You are the rock
And nothing breaks the rock
The rock is always there...solid...like a rock
There to hold you down when shit gets rough
There to support you
There to keep you on solid ground
That's the rock
But what happens when the rock has a crack?
Does anybody notice it?
Or are we just so wrapped up in our own lives to even see it?
Everybody goes to the rock for support but who supports the rock?
We get so caught up in our own lives and goals and jobs we miss the signs, signals and cries for help. Until, it's too late. Because nobody noticed until the screams got louder. But by then sometimes...it's too late.
Having been apart of many moments when it's in that "too late" zone with friends and loved ones of mine, over the years i've become super sensitive to these things. When people's moods shift, i can tell. When something just "isn't right", i somehow can sense it and all my alarms go off. I do whatever i can to make sure the person knows i am there for them. Too many times have i heard "nobody said anything to me until now...only you." I'm not trying to brag at all. What i am saying is...take a moment and pay attention to your friends, your people, your loved ones. We all are going through shit but not all of us can carry it on our own for so long. The ones who take care of everyone else tend to be the quietest in regards to how they are really doing. Check in with them. You might be the one person who asks how they are doing...i mean truly ask. And you might be the one person that can help them when they don't know how to ask for it. Because when you're a rock for everyone else, you tend to ignore your own issues until something makes them hit the surface.
We are all busy. But instead of sharing another stupid thing someone else shared, check in on that friend of yours. Smiling and laughing doesn't mean they aren't hurting or don't need help.
We are so plugged in and opinionated about everything around us we forget whats in front of us.
We like, share, snap, share, share, share and share some more
Sometimes we all agree and other times we don't agree at all
So we just keep plugging along with attention spans of goldfish
Thinking because some "lol" or put a happy emoji at the end of statement they are fine
But they are not fine actually
They are just going through life, the motions to keep everyone else comfortable
Because people get uncomfortable when people actually stop and feel something real
When the selfies stop
When the emojis' stop
When the likes and constant need for acceptance stops
What happens??
We actually fucking feel something and then we make people uncomfortable
People get all kinds of bent out of shape when you actually feel something besides happiness
When you stop smiling, people get scared
Because you are the pillar of smiling and making jokes
You are the pillar of strength
You are the pillar of comfort and security when shit goes down
That's what you are
You are the rock
And nothing breaks the rock
The rock is always there...solid...like a rock
There to hold you down when shit gets rough
There to support you
There to keep you on solid ground
That's the rock
But what happens when the rock has a crack?
Does anybody notice it?
Or are we just so wrapped up in our own lives to even see it?
Everybody goes to the rock for support but who supports the rock?
We get so caught up in our own lives and goals and jobs we miss the signs, signals and cries for help. Until, it's too late. Because nobody noticed until the screams got louder. But by then sometimes...it's too late.
Having been apart of many moments when it's in that "too late" zone with friends and loved ones of mine, over the years i've become super sensitive to these things. When people's moods shift, i can tell. When something just "isn't right", i somehow can sense it and all my alarms go off. I do whatever i can to make sure the person knows i am there for them. Too many times have i heard "nobody said anything to me until now...only you." I'm not trying to brag at all. What i am saying is...take a moment and pay attention to your friends, your people, your loved ones. We all are going through shit but not all of us can carry it on our own for so long. The ones who take care of everyone else tend to be the quietest in regards to how they are really doing. Check in with them. You might be the one person who asks how they are doing...i mean truly ask. And you might be the one person that can help them when they don't know how to ask for it. Because when you're a rock for everyone else, you tend to ignore your own issues until something makes them hit the surface.
We are all busy. But instead of sharing another stupid thing someone else shared, check in on that friend of yours. Smiling and laughing doesn't mean they aren't hurting or don't need help.
May 24, 2015
30 Day Squat Challenge Done
I completed my challenge the other day. Halfway through the month i was really feeling awesome about it all. I was seeing results...not so jiggly caliente! My butt started to perk up more. And according to a few male friends of mine...i was "working it even more so" haha Gotta love honest guy friends!
But really none of that matters to me. Not at all. Sure i feel better and look better. I need new jeans and all that. But none of that matters to me.
What matters to me is i got my mom involved. After a long last 2 months, she was excited to join me in my new adventure. She didn't do the challenge as much as i did. But she did do something. I'm so proud of her. I am so happy to have inspired her to get up and move. She is having a ball! And i can't keep a straight face when we do our reps.
This one is nice short and sweet guys. At the end of the day, i don't care if i lose 20 lbs and become super fit and even more awesome and guys are falling all over themselves to talk to me. I don't care about that. What i care about is the continued bond this has nurtured between me and mommy. It's gotten us up and moving and living life better. I may never be THAT GIRL, but fuck it. I am THAT HAPPY with this life...jiggly caliente and all :D
Next challenge...we'll see.
But really none of that matters to me. Not at all. Sure i feel better and look better. I need new jeans and all that. But none of that matters to me.
What matters to me is i got my mom involved. After a long last 2 months, she was excited to join me in my new adventure. She didn't do the challenge as much as i did. But she did do something. I'm so proud of her. I am so happy to have inspired her to get up and move. She is having a ball! And i can't keep a straight face when we do our reps.
This one is nice short and sweet guys. At the end of the day, i don't care if i lose 20 lbs and become super fit and even more awesome and guys are falling all over themselves to talk to me. I don't care about that. What i care about is the continued bond this has nurtured between me and mommy. It's gotten us up and moving and living life better. I may never be THAT GIRL, but fuck it. I am THAT HAPPY with this life...jiggly caliente and all :D
Next challenge...we'll see.
Apr 29, 2015
I. Don't. Gym.
Who do you know starts an intense 30 day workout challenge while they are on vacay in Vegas?
Yep.
Sometimes it just takes the right motivation. I know what motivates me and it ain't to look good for summer or bla bla bla. It's cause i need to control something. There is so much i can't control in my life. So many people who expect things from me on a daily basis. I can't control how these people act or how they treat me. What i can control is how i act and am treated.
I don't gym. I don't gym. I. Don't. Gym. So many people are hitting the gym and being insanely hardcore and determined. I give them props. Enjoy yourself! Feel the burn! Keep up the grind! All the before and after pics are nice. They don't inspire me though. I don't think "man i want to look like that" and bust out the weights or go running. Nope. I'm insanely stubborn and content. I get bored easily with just about any routine. Having a trainer doesn't really do much for me either. I don't take to someone yelling at me at all. I have challenged trainers on keeping me motivated and many can't. Either they just didn't listen to me when i said what WOULD keep me motivated or they didn't care.
Food motivates me. Food, alcohol and attractive men. I'm a simple kind of girl lol No of course there is more that could motivate me but those 3 will keep me intrigued longer than "just think you could be 20lbs lighter and tighter in 30 days!" So what motivated me this time?? A fun and attractive man of course! Totally random dude, posting pics all over twitterverse and i caught sight of him and decided to follow him. He followed me back. We chatted a bit and then i got the invite on FB from him. Joined his page and boom...i'm working out.
People say they workout to feel better about themselves. To look better naked. And all these other reasons. I am actually pretty damn content with my body. I have accepted my rolls and jiggly parts. I've accepted my curves and dimples as well. I've accepted that i love food, period. And i would much rather have a personal chef than a personal trainer. I keep active in so many other ways so thankfully my metabolism hasn't died down just yet. I'm still really flexible and i don't pass out after doing one flight of stairs. I know what looks good on me, i know how to carry my weight. I know how to keep it in check. I know when i've gained a few pounds and when i've lost a few inches almost instantly. I know when i'm stress eating and when i'm stress starving.
So why am i working out? Because like i said earlier, i can control this. Will this challenge make me move onto something else after the 30 days is up? Maybe. I don't know. Haven't really thought about it. And i kind of don't care either way. In some small way i hope it ultimately gets me back in the water. I love swimming. I miss not having the time to do it. This 30 day deal might give me that little nudge i need to do it. Even if it's just for a few times a month, i'm there. Now THAT is a workout i could never get tired of. Maybe my hot workout guy will keep me motivated enough to keep on the grind. We shall see.
Either way...if you workout, bravo to you! If you don't and you're fine with your lifestyle choices, bravo to you too! It's your life. Do what you want. For the next 23 days though, imma grind and sweat and get ready for the next adventure. And keep drooling over this delicious man of a specimen so i stay motivated lol
Yep.
Sometimes it just takes the right motivation. I know what motivates me and it ain't to look good for summer or bla bla bla. It's cause i need to control something. There is so much i can't control in my life. So many people who expect things from me on a daily basis. I can't control how these people act or how they treat me. What i can control is how i act and am treated.
I don't gym. I don't gym. I. Don't. Gym. So many people are hitting the gym and being insanely hardcore and determined. I give them props. Enjoy yourself! Feel the burn! Keep up the grind! All the before and after pics are nice. They don't inspire me though. I don't think "man i want to look like that" and bust out the weights or go running. Nope. I'm insanely stubborn and content. I get bored easily with just about any routine. Having a trainer doesn't really do much for me either. I don't take to someone yelling at me at all. I have challenged trainers on keeping me motivated and many can't. Either they just didn't listen to me when i said what WOULD keep me motivated or they didn't care.
Food motivates me. Food, alcohol and attractive men. I'm a simple kind of girl lol No of course there is more that could motivate me but those 3 will keep me intrigued longer than "just think you could be 20lbs lighter and tighter in 30 days!" So what motivated me this time?? A fun and attractive man of course! Totally random dude, posting pics all over twitterverse and i caught sight of him and decided to follow him. He followed me back. We chatted a bit and then i got the invite on FB from him. Joined his page and boom...i'm working out.
People say they workout to feel better about themselves. To look better naked. And all these other reasons. I am actually pretty damn content with my body. I have accepted my rolls and jiggly parts. I've accepted my curves and dimples as well. I've accepted that i love food, period. And i would much rather have a personal chef than a personal trainer. I keep active in so many other ways so thankfully my metabolism hasn't died down just yet. I'm still really flexible and i don't pass out after doing one flight of stairs. I know what looks good on me, i know how to carry my weight. I know how to keep it in check. I know when i've gained a few pounds and when i've lost a few inches almost instantly. I know when i'm stress eating and when i'm stress starving.
So why am i working out? Because like i said earlier, i can control this. Will this challenge make me move onto something else after the 30 days is up? Maybe. I don't know. Haven't really thought about it. And i kind of don't care either way. In some small way i hope it ultimately gets me back in the water. I love swimming. I miss not having the time to do it. This 30 day deal might give me that little nudge i need to do it. Even if it's just for a few times a month, i'm there. Now THAT is a workout i could never get tired of. Maybe my hot workout guy will keep me motivated enough to keep on the grind. We shall see.
Either way...if you workout, bravo to you! If you don't and you're fine with your lifestyle choices, bravo to you too! It's your life. Do what you want. For the next 23 days though, imma grind and sweat and get ready for the next adventure. And keep drooling over this delicious man of a specimen so i stay motivated lol
Feb 20, 2015
Hover Board
Alright. So apparently, people or more so, over protective parents are getting all up in arms about kids playing by themselves, walking home in groups or alone from school and roaming the malls alone. (You can read all about it here from NPR Kid's Solo Time) They are calling it "Free Range Parenting". They are saying it's showing "neglectful parenting". Because you know, a 10 year old
girl walking home alone in a decent area is just horrible and hurtful to this child. Heaven forbid her parents can't pick her up from school every day and make sure she gets home safely (which is barely 3 blocks away) without having to use these limbs and cultivate an independant spirit of self responsibility. Oh no...we can't have responsible, strong children doing things for themselves. What are we, hippies?!
I grew up in the 80s. I am apart of Generation X. My parents are Baby Boomers who are still spunky as ever. I just missed the awesome music era that was the 60s and 70s but thankfully the 80s didn't disappoint too much. My mother was a single mother after my father did unsavory things causing my mom to divorce him. Thankfully i had amazing grandparents on both sides that loved me and my mother to make sure we had what we needed to keep moving forward and making a life for ourselves. My mom worked hard every day to make sure i had food, shelter, clothes, laughter and love in my life as a child. I never wanted for anything. What she couldn't get me, my grandparents (mother's parents) made sure i was spoiled and a happy little camper. I never felt unloved, unwanted, neglected, pushed aside etc.
When we moved closer to my elementary school and i was able to walk, function and microwave dinners for myself, mom showed me how to walk home. I want to say i was in the 4th grade at this point. I actually started walking home in 3rd grade but that was only with my uncle who lived a few blocks away and would walk me home most afternoons. If i remember correctly, there was a group of us that walked home together. My house was the farthest but my bestfriend lived around the corner so when we hit the block where we went our separate ways, we would hug goodbye and run home down our perspective blocks. Her mother would most likely be home and once i got in, i would call her to let her know i got home. If i didn't call her, i would call my grandmother. Either way, someone was called and knew i was home safely. Which means, i had my own keys to my house. This also meant that people of the neighborhood knew young kids were walking home and would watch out for us. This is what happens when you live in an area with schools. Or at least it what use to happen. I
remember the guy with the big German Shepard dog who lived 2 houses from me. Him and his wife were very nice and always let me pet their dog and told me to get my homework done before mom got home haha I remember the 8th graders that lived down my block too. Some of them were fun and nice. They acted like they didn't look out for us little ones but i knew they did. Especially when they had to walk in the morning and saw us scurrying through the gates.
Ever since then, MOST of my school life involved me walking and taking public transportation to and from school...no matter where it was. And for those who don't know me, i went to school mostly in Los Angeles, CA. So not every place we lived was the "safest" or like these areas that many of these parents live where all the houses look the same. No suburbia lifestyle for me. I've lived down the street from a 7-11 where the homeless guys hangout. I've lived in really nice areas too where nobody has bars on their windows and everybody knows me and makes sure there are no seedy characters hanging around. Thankfully, thanks to my wonderful mom and brothers who taught me how to protect myself as well as how to just use common sense when going to certain areas, nothing has happened to me to the point of complete and utter damage to my life and mental status. Sure...nobody likes being whistled at nor followed by a creeper but if you are taught from the start how to deal with these things, you can handle it as best as you can and usually be just fine.
To this day i still use public transportation and walk on a regular basis. Yes, at times it gets scary and I'm paranoid anyways so that doesn't help lol But i survive! And i will keep surviving. I am insanely independant because of this one thing my mom taught me. I am aware of the world around me because of these things. I know how to handle myself in public because of these things. I am a woman who knows not to be caught alone in dark corners and parking structures NOT because i read it in some article on safety but because WHO DOES THAT?! Seriously...stop being available for drama!
There was no way my mother could have been a "helicopter mom" and still put food and shelter over us. She had to work. Just like I had to go to school. Nobody WANTED me to be a "latch key kid" which is what you called us who walked home back in the 70s and 80s. In a perfect world, i would've been driven to school and picked up every single day, and not a worry in the world about creepers and crossing streets and where the police station was in proximity to my school and home.
But we don't live in a perfect world. And trying to shelter your child from this till they are at the very least 15 years old is ridiculous and going to drive both of you crazy! Also, it builds really weak and fearful children who become paranoid and annoying adults that nobody wants to deal with. They won't learn self responsibility nor independence nor how to survive. I have no shame saying, i learned how to pee in a bush because i walked home one day from high school and didn't use the bathroom before i left and the bus ran late and i just couldn't hold it any longer! I also learned what bushes were poison ivy...thank you Girl Scouts...so i didn't pee in those bushes and have a bigger problem! I learned what neighbors really cared about kids and our well being. I also learned not every nice old lady or man is "nice" and you can suspsect everyone...and in some cases you should. In that same instance, i learned that not every thug looking dude wants to do a young girl harm and will look out for you when the asshat ones want to bother you on your block.
We have so many different things these days to keep kids safe. Technology alone is a huge part of it! I didn't have a cell phone, tablet, or alert bracelet! I had an ID Bracelet and barely a pager! There was no GPS on me...EVER. I was suppose to be home at a certain time and if i wasn't i would have about 20 people looking for me a minute after i was suppose to check in. THAT is what is missing these days. You can helicopter all you want. But if you don't let your child venture out with the knowledge and awareness YOU were raised with on how to function in the real world, you are going to have children who can't function without you. So what will happen when you are gone? Or when you can't pick them up? Do you have a backup plan? Do your kids KNOW your backup plan? They aren't stupid little people who can't understand logic and reason. Talk to them. Teach them. Show them.
Don't hover and smother them.
No...i don't have kids. Will i ever? Who knows. I'm not planning on any of that. So you can take all i've said how you want. Just know...there are lots of us who don't have kids and didn't have helicopter parents and we are the ones changing the world on a daily basis. We came out (most of us) pretty damn awesome.
girl walking home alone in a decent area is just horrible and hurtful to this child. Heaven forbid her parents can't pick her up from school every day and make sure she gets home safely (which is barely 3 blocks away) without having to use these limbs and cultivate an independant spirit of self responsibility. Oh no...we can't have responsible, strong children doing things for themselves. What are we, hippies?!
I grew up in the 80s. I am apart of Generation X. My parents are Baby Boomers who are still spunky as ever. I just missed the awesome music era that was the 60s and 70s but thankfully the 80s didn't disappoint too much. My mother was a single mother after my father did unsavory things causing my mom to divorce him. Thankfully i had amazing grandparents on both sides that loved me and my mother to make sure we had what we needed to keep moving forward and making a life for ourselves. My mom worked hard every day to make sure i had food, shelter, clothes, laughter and love in my life as a child. I never wanted for anything. What she couldn't get me, my grandparents (mother's parents) made sure i was spoiled and a happy little camper. I never felt unloved, unwanted, neglected, pushed aside etc.
When we moved closer to my elementary school and i was able to walk, function and microwave dinners for myself, mom showed me how to walk home. I want to say i was in the 4th grade at this point. I actually started walking home in 3rd grade but that was only with my uncle who lived a few blocks away and would walk me home most afternoons. If i remember correctly, there was a group of us that walked home together. My house was the farthest but my bestfriend lived around the corner so when we hit the block where we went our separate ways, we would hug goodbye and run home down our perspective blocks. Her mother would most likely be home and once i got in, i would call her to let her know i got home. If i didn't call her, i would call my grandmother. Either way, someone was called and knew i was home safely. Which means, i had my own keys to my house. This also meant that people of the neighborhood knew young kids were walking home and would watch out for us. This is what happens when you live in an area with schools. Or at least it what use to happen. I
remember the guy with the big German Shepard dog who lived 2 houses from me. Him and his wife were very nice and always let me pet their dog and told me to get my homework done before mom got home haha I remember the 8th graders that lived down my block too. Some of them were fun and nice. They acted like they didn't look out for us little ones but i knew they did. Especially when they had to walk in the morning and saw us scurrying through the gates.
Ever since then, MOST of my school life involved me walking and taking public transportation to and from school...no matter where it was. And for those who don't know me, i went to school mostly in Los Angeles, CA. So not every place we lived was the "safest" or like these areas that many of these parents live where all the houses look the same. No suburbia lifestyle for me. I've lived down the street from a 7-11 where the homeless guys hangout. I've lived in really nice areas too where nobody has bars on their windows and everybody knows me and makes sure there are no seedy characters hanging around. Thankfully, thanks to my wonderful mom and brothers who taught me how to protect myself as well as how to just use common sense when going to certain areas, nothing has happened to me to the point of complete and utter damage to my life and mental status. Sure...nobody likes being whistled at nor followed by a creeper but if you are taught from the start how to deal with these things, you can handle it as best as you can and usually be just fine.
To this day i still use public transportation and walk on a regular basis. Yes, at times it gets scary and I'm paranoid anyways so that doesn't help lol But i survive! And i will keep surviving. I am insanely independant because of this one thing my mom taught me. I am aware of the world around me because of these things. I know how to handle myself in public because of these things. I am a woman who knows not to be caught alone in dark corners and parking structures NOT because i read it in some article on safety but because WHO DOES THAT?! Seriously...stop being available for drama!
There was no way my mother could have been a "helicopter mom" and still put food and shelter over us. She had to work. Just like I had to go to school. Nobody WANTED me to be a "latch key kid" which is what you called us who walked home back in the 70s and 80s. In a perfect world, i would've been driven to school and picked up every single day, and not a worry in the world about creepers and crossing streets and where the police station was in proximity to my school and home.
But we don't live in a perfect world. And trying to shelter your child from this till they are at the very least 15 years old is ridiculous and going to drive both of you crazy! Also, it builds really weak and fearful children who become paranoid and annoying adults that nobody wants to deal with. They won't learn self responsibility nor independence nor how to survive. I have no shame saying, i learned how to pee in a bush because i walked home one day from high school and didn't use the bathroom before i left and the bus ran late and i just couldn't hold it any longer! I also learned what bushes were poison ivy...thank you Girl Scouts...so i didn't pee in those bushes and have a bigger problem! I learned what neighbors really cared about kids and our well being. I also learned not every nice old lady or man is "nice" and you can suspsect everyone...and in some cases you should. In that same instance, i learned that not every thug looking dude wants to do a young girl harm and will look out for you when the asshat ones want to bother you on your block.
We have so many different things these days to keep kids safe. Technology alone is a huge part of it! I didn't have a cell phone, tablet, or alert bracelet! I had an ID Bracelet and barely a pager! There was no GPS on me...EVER. I was suppose to be home at a certain time and if i wasn't i would have about 20 people looking for me a minute after i was suppose to check in. THAT is what is missing these days. You can helicopter all you want. But if you don't let your child venture out with the knowledge and awareness YOU were raised with on how to function in the real world, you are going to have children who can't function without you. So what will happen when you are gone? Or when you can't pick them up? Do you have a backup plan? Do your kids KNOW your backup plan? They aren't stupid little people who can't understand logic and reason. Talk to them. Teach them. Show them.
Don't hover and smother them.
No...i don't have kids. Will i ever? Who knows. I'm not planning on any of that. So you can take all i've said how you want. Just know...there are lots of us who don't have kids and didn't have helicopter parents and we are the ones changing the world on a daily basis. We came out (most of us) pretty damn awesome.
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