My Life With Suicide

It's World Suicide Prevention Day. It's National Suicide Prevention Month.

I hope none of you ever get a message or letter from someone you love saying goodbye. I have. I would never wish it upon anyone. Not even my worst enemy. It's something you never truly get over. Time heals and helps but it's still something you can't get over. Mainly because it's not natural.

There is nothing natural about someone taking their own life. It's hard to wrap our minds around, even if we've considered it for a moment. It's just something we will never fully understand.

When one of my very best friends decided to leave this world by his own hands, a part of me died with him. And i never felt like i didn't do anything. We had a long and strong friendship. We knew one another's dark sides. We trusted and loved one another. He was my rock when i couldn't stand. When i couldn't make sense of everything inside and outside of me, he was there to get me back on the right path. He talked me down and up and out of things all the time. He mocked me, he loved me, he supported me. He was annoyed by me on so many occasions but he never turned his back on me fully. He never left me out in the cold too long. He made me learn lessons sometimes the hard way, but he never abandoned me. And that is how i treated him during some of his darkest times. I loved him, supported him, mocked him and never abandoned him, no matter how many times he told me to leave him alone. He called me a rash on his ass more than once lol And that was just the tip of our friendship.

So when i heard he had passed, like i said, apart of me died with him. But also, apart of me felt his relief and soon i felt his peace. And in my sobbing and heartache i was able to sort of feel what he wanted. He just wanted peace. After reading his goodbye letter the hurt and loss didn't pass or get better. It got worse because i heard him and i felt him. I knew exactly what he was saying by what he wasn't saying. It was thought out, it was planned, it was confirmed...it was my friend. Knowing how he was, i knew he didn't come to this decision quickly or randomly. He wasn't that kind of person. He was methodical. So in a sense there was a weird comfort in knowing that he had thought about this for a long time. And that he didn't want to hurt any of us, but he understood it if we were. He didn't want any of us to be upset but he understood if we were. And in reading his letter any time, and reading old conversations we use to have, i understood more of his choice and his need for peace....and ultimately freedom.

The thing that will always haunt me though is the night before he passed, he reached out to me via online messenger and i was cooking or taking a shower, i forget which one. Either way, i was away from my computer. And he waited to talk to me but after 15 minutes gave up and said he loved me and would catch me another time. Little did i know, that would be the last time i would've had to talk to him. And i replied back to his message saying i loved him too and would talk to him later. But that never happened. In his letter he told me i could always talk to him and he would always be listening. Just because he wasn't physically near, doesn't mean he wasn't with me. That was a huge comfort. And it was just like him to be comforting me when he was doing something...not normal.

It's coming up on 3 years and it doesn't feel like it at all. I never stopped talking to my love Gage. And there are some times when i know without a doubt he talked back to me. He has contacted me and given me signs of his presence. And i know he has laughed at me and with me during some of my ridiculous moments. I will always love him. He will always be with me. And i know he will always love me. How i truly wish he was still physically here, daily. I would give just about anything to have him back.

Helping someone that we care about should come naturally. Being there for someone should come naturally. Sadly, that isn't always the case though. We get caught up in our own lives and sometimes we take others for granted and don't notice their cries for help. The cries might be really, really quiet too. But we have to pay attention and get out of our own asses if we want to really help someone else. It might just be a simple text saying "i love you". Or it could be a full on 4 page letter catching up with them and asking how they are and wanting to get together. It could be a message on social media saying you miss them and hope they are doing well. It could be a silent hug randomly. I know i like random hugs. Or even a high five. Make them smile like only you can. I have actually helped other friends in similar situations and i didn't even know it. So trust me when i say, you can save a life.

Suicide Prevention is something i have supported even before my love Gage passed away. There are tons of organizations you can support locally and globally. You don't even have to give money. You can just write a simple message of support to someone. You can volunteer your time a few times a month or more if you so choose. You can help raise money for the organizations. You can help keep the lines of communication open on so many levels for those who need help and feel all is lost. YOU can help.
And if you are the one that needs help...needs a rock...needs someone to talk to you who won't judge you and will love you, even though they don't know you, there is help out there. You can even message me and i will be there for you. We are all in this together. Every soul matters. Every person deserves to live and be loved. You don't have to go at it alone.

If you or someone you know needs help with ANYTHING, please feel free to use any of the links below. You matter. We all matter.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

The Trevor Project (one of my favorites organizations to support and be apart of)
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

The Foundation for Hope
http://hope611.org/

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
www.afsp.org

I am still healing and dealing with the loss of my friend. But knowing that he knew i loved him and supported him always, makes it a tiny bit less heartbreaking. There is help for those of us who have lost someone to suicide as well. Everyone needs a support system. You can be one to prevent the heartbreak and to help heal it if it does happen. If you are reading this and feel compelled to reach out to me, please feel free to do so. You can contact me at: razzice@hotmail.com I will help you however i can and if i can't do it on my own, we can get you the help you need, no matter where you are. And if you want to share your story, with your permission i will do so on this blog and you can send it to my email as well.

Every life deserves to live. And if nobody has told you lately, i love you.

Blinders Off

We get so caught up in our own lives we don't see the signs
We are so plugged in and opinionated about everything around us we forget whats in front of us.
We like, share, snap, share, share, share and share some more
Sometimes we all agree and other times we don't agree at all
So we just keep plugging along with attention spans of goldfish
Thinking because some "lol" or put a happy emoji at the end of statement they are fine
But they are not fine actually
They are just going through life, the motions to keep everyone else comfortable
Because people get uncomfortable when people actually stop and feel something real
When the selfies stop
When the emojis' stop
When the likes and constant need for acceptance stops
What happens??
We actually fucking feel something and then we make people uncomfortable
People get all kinds of bent out of shape when you actually feel something besides happiness
When you stop smiling, people get scared
Because you are the pillar of smiling and making jokes
You are the pillar of strength
You are the pillar of comfort and security when shit goes down
That's what you are
You are the rock
And nothing breaks the rock
The rock is always there...solid...like a rock
There to hold you down when shit gets rough
There to support you
There to keep you on solid ground
That's the rock
But what happens when the rock has a crack?
Does anybody notice it?
Or are we just so wrapped up in our own lives to even see it?
Everybody goes to the rock for support but who supports the rock?

We get so caught up in our own lives and goals and jobs we miss the signs, signals and cries for help. Until, it's too late. Because nobody noticed until the screams got louder. But by then sometimes...it's too late.

Having been apart of many moments when it's in that "too late" zone with friends and loved ones of mine, over the years i've become super sensitive to these things. When people's moods shift, i can tell. When something just "isn't right", i somehow can sense it and all my alarms go off. I do whatever i can to make sure the person knows i am there for them. Too many times have i heard "nobody said anything to me until now...only you." I'm not trying to brag at all. What i am saying is...take a moment and pay attention to your friends, your people, your loved ones. We all are going through shit but not all of us can carry it on our own for so long. The ones who take care of everyone else tend to be the quietest in regards to how they are really doing. Check in with them. You might be the one person who asks how they are doing...i mean truly ask. And you might be the one person that can help them when they don't know how to ask for it. Because when you're a rock for everyone else, you tend to ignore your own issues until something makes them hit the surface.

We are all busy. But instead of sharing another stupid thing someone else shared, check in on that friend of yours. Smiling and laughing doesn't mean they aren't hurting or don't need help.