One minute ago i sat down to write my father a message asking for money. And as i sat there, thinking of how to do this i thought, "damn, I've really hit a wall if i'm doing this". As soon as i typed "Hey Dad" i got nauseous and just said, NOPE.
I can't do it. I absolutely cannot do it. I cannot ask this man for money. Call it pride, stubbornness or whatever you want but i cannot do it. I rather keep doing what i am doing, struggles and all and keep doing it all on my own. There is no part of me that can stomach asking that man for ANYTHING. And I've never asked him for anything after all these years. Not one thing. Not even for flowers when my grandmother, his mother died. Not even for prayers when mom was in the hospital sick. Not even for RESPECT after all the crap he did, when again, my grandmother, his mother passed away. Nope, nothing. So coming up on a milestone birthday it's weird to be even considering asking him for something...something i am easily owed.
But i won't. Because i am better than that! I am not giving up and i am NOT asking him for anything, just like i haven't all these years. I haven't seen my father since i was 18 and i'm in my 30s now. No communication either. He can talk to everyone else but his first child and only daughter...me. It is what it is.
I am sharing this moment because i know others can relate. I know i am not alone in this constant battle with a parent. Internal battle that we grow out of but at times shows it's ugly, annoying head. You can do better. You will be fine. We all will. Struggles and all. Just keep pushing on, do the right things and don't be afraid. I believe in God, so i'm just sticking with that and keeping my head up. But even if you don't believe in a higher power, you got this. It sucks doing the right thing all on our own, all the time is super hard and stressful but at the end of the day you can hold your head up and know YOU DID IT!!
So thankful for my mother who without i could be on the streets for all i know. That alone keeps me from lowering myself to asking that man for anything. I made my peace with it a long time ago...not gonna let some small money struggles undo all the work i've done personally to unhinge me. Because we all know, this fire sign can not keep her mouth shut if someone tries to tell her what's what and its a lie lol
Gotta keep ya head up!!
Sep 29, 2016
Jun 13, 2016
Living While Scared
I haven't been legit scared for my life and the life of my loved ones in just about most of my life. The last 2 years (including this year, which is just mind boggling sad and scary) have given me a fear inside that i am not use too. I can say i haven't had this fear since 9/11. And even then, i was scared but i wasn't set in my fear like i am now.
I get worried about being at work for too long some times. I am very aware of who is in the store and if anyone is getting loud and out of hand. I try to stay away from the situation but still keep eyes on it. I shouldn't be scared at work. It's not an anxiety fear, thankfully. But it's a "i am out of here if shit goes down" fear. Like...bolting out of there. I find myself seeing which males are working and if i feel confident they will help be protective of us if need be. I know which females are going to fight anyone who will do us wrong. I know who to comfort and grab if something does go down and they are near me. It's just like.....always have a plan of action just in case. And i've always thought this way, but i haven't felt like i've needed this more so than i have within these last 2 years.
I am scared for myself and my friends when we are at big events. I wonder how big is the crowd going to be and what is the quickest way out. I'm just like....always prepared!
It's heartbreaking to feel this way now. To have to think of these things. To have to be like "if something goes down i have to text my mommy first". I shouldn't be thinking this way but now i am. We tell kids the world is a scary place but nothing has confirmed that more so in my lifetime than whats happening now. It's happening in our own backyard, hell in our own homes!! It's no longer on a huge political basis, it's right here sitting near us, waiting to happen. It's like.....not IF if it will happen but WHEN. And i hate feeling this way! My faith gives me comfort and security. But it doesn't mean i'm not scared of the devil who lives inside of people.
I think about my little loves aka kids my friends have had and hope hope hope with all my heart we can get things together in our communities and in our country so that they don't have to live with this kind of fear. I want to protect them from this pain and sadness. And utter stupidity!!
The Orlando shooting makes me think about how messed up some people are. How misguided they are. How hateful they are over something that has absolutely NOTHING to do with them! It makes me think like....someone could come and kill me because of my skin color or sexual orientation (for the record i am straight but that's not the point). Someone could come to a place i frequent and just slaughter us because of a misguided hatred they believe is true and right. I could be in a gay nightclub...it's one of the most fun places to be in. I could be at a concert, a bookstore, work, church, school, shopping mall, public transportation etc. I could literally be anywhere and someone could come and end it all. I don't fear dying, i fear dying by the hands of someone who doesn't like me for something none of us have control over. Someone could dislike me hanging out with white guys and decide it must be stopped. It's like everything is up for grabs to dislike and do evil things in response to it. Seriously.
So i have that to worry about and then everything that's happening in my personal life. Good grief, this life is not only hard but its draining!! I don't know if i have a real point to this rant. I just wanted to share what's been going through my head as of late. I know i'm not alone in these feelings. We have to stand together and fight for the right things. Fight for truth, love and peace. We all are in this together, it's the only way we can survive. Hug, talk to, and love your special people in your life. It can all change in a heartbeat.
May we all be protected, comforted and strong during these times
I get worried about being at work for too long some times. I am very aware of who is in the store and if anyone is getting loud and out of hand. I try to stay away from the situation but still keep eyes on it. I shouldn't be scared at work. It's not an anxiety fear, thankfully. But it's a "i am out of here if shit goes down" fear. Like...bolting out of there. I find myself seeing which males are working and if i feel confident they will help be protective of us if need be. I know which females are going to fight anyone who will do us wrong. I know who to comfort and grab if something does go down and they are near me. It's just like.....always have a plan of action just in case. And i've always thought this way, but i haven't felt like i've needed this more so than i have within these last 2 years.
I am scared for myself and my friends when we are at big events. I wonder how big is the crowd going to be and what is the quickest way out. I'm just like....always prepared!
It's heartbreaking to feel this way now. To have to think of these things. To have to be like "if something goes down i have to text my mommy first". I shouldn't be thinking this way but now i am. We tell kids the world is a scary place but nothing has confirmed that more so in my lifetime than whats happening now. It's happening in our own backyard, hell in our own homes!! It's no longer on a huge political basis, it's right here sitting near us, waiting to happen. It's like.....not IF if it will happen but WHEN. And i hate feeling this way! My faith gives me comfort and security. But it doesn't mean i'm not scared of the devil who lives inside of people.
I think about my little loves aka kids my friends have had and hope hope hope with all my heart we can get things together in our communities and in our country so that they don't have to live with this kind of fear. I want to protect them from this pain and sadness. And utter stupidity!!
The Orlando shooting makes me think about how messed up some people are. How misguided they are. How hateful they are over something that has absolutely NOTHING to do with them! It makes me think like....someone could come and kill me because of my skin color or sexual orientation (for the record i am straight but that's not the point). Someone could come to a place i frequent and just slaughter us because of a misguided hatred they believe is true and right. I could be in a gay nightclub...it's one of the most fun places to be in. I could be at a concert, a bookstore, work, church, school, shopping mall, public transportation etc. I could literally be anywhere and someone could come and end it all. I don't fear dying, i fear dying by the hands of someone who doesn't like me for something none of us have control over. Someone could dislike me hanging out with white guys and decide it must be stopped. It's like everything is up for grabs to dislike and do evil things in response to it. Seriously.
So i have that to worry about and then everything that's happening in my personal life. Good grief, this life is not only hard but its draining!! I don't know if i have a real point to this rant. I just wanted to share what's been going through my head as of late. I know i'm not alone in these feelings. We have to stand together and fight for the right things. Fight for truth, love and peace. We all are in this together, it's the only way we can survive. Hug, talk to, and love your special people in your life. It can all change in a heartbeat.
May we all be protected, comforted and strong during these times
Mar 20, 2016
Whoa...Hey There!
It's been a minute because you know life happens. Apparently 2016 didn't like us in the entertainment world so much. We lost some great artists and people.
From what i've been seeing from friends and family, 2016 hasn't been that good overall to us. Not sure why? Is it the whole 16 part? Is it the downswing from 2015? It's March, almost April and the drama is surreal!
Some of us, myself included, have fallen a bit. Got all caught up in everything we are carrying and people we are caring about and forgot about ourselves. So you go on and on and on until you fall down. Sometimes you trip and fall and you stay down for awhile. You hangout in the little pit that is yourself ya know. And you see what you've been missing and doing to yourself. You become honest and realize, "hey...i need me time, i need to get back to my awesome self."
If you're lucky, you have some solid people around you to help you get out of your own pit and get back to yourself more. They will support you all the way. That's what good friends do. I have to say, i'm really blessed to have some good friends and family in my life to help me when i get into my pits. And i try to do the same for them.
Alright, so if 2016 has been kicking your ass and you found yourself in a pit, i hope you have some good people around you to help you get out of it. But most importantly, i hope you don't stay in that pit too long. You're not alone either. You are NEVER alone. If someone out there wants to talk anytime, hit me up, we gotta stick together in this.
To the rest of you having a good year, congrats and i hope it continues!
Be grateful, be thankful, be there for each other.
From what i've been seeing from friends and family, 2016 hasn't been that good overall to us. Not sure why? Is it the whole 16 part? Is it the downswing from 2015? It's March, almost April and the drama is surreal!
Some of us, myself included, have fallen a bit. Got all caught up in everything we are carrying and people we are caring about and forgot about ourselves. So you go on and on and on until you fall down. Sometimes you trip and fall and you stay down for awhile. You hangout in the little pit that is yourself ya know. And you see what you've been missing and doing to yourself. You become honest and realize, "hey...i need me time, i need to get back to my awesome self."
If you're lucky, you have some solid people around you to help you get out of your own pit and get back to yourself more. They will support you all the way. That's what good friends do. I have to say, i'm really blessed to have some good friends and family in my life to help me when i get into my pits. And i try to do the same for them.
Alright, so if 2016 has been kicking your ass and you found yourself in a pit, i hope you have some good people around you to help you get out of it. But most importantly, i hope you don't stay in that pit too long. You're not alone either. You are NEVER alone. If someone out there wants to talk anytime, hit me up, we gotta stick together in this.
To the rest of you having a good year, congrats and i hope it continues!
Be grateful, be thankful, be there for each other.
Jan 2, 2016
2015 Had My Back
It's really easy for me to look back and see what i learned from 2015.
I learned that not everyone has your back but when the chips are down, the ones that do are there for you, period.
2015 was one of the hardest but most fulfilling years after a seriously rough 2014. I lived in 2015. I felt all the highs and they out weighed all the lows.
I learned really fast who i needed to let go of in my life...either permanently or temporarily. Either way, strings got cut and some bridges got burned. But i'm fine with all of it. I did what i could to save what relationships i thought were worth saving, but i realized, i can't save every single one of them alone. And i can't carry a relationship. If you want to be in my life, you'll show me yourself. I won't have to keep pushing to keep you in it.
And though that was a somewhat hard lesson to learn, it was easy to maintain. One can only get slapped in the face so many times before you say ENOUGH and walk away.
I survived, mostly unscathed. I am proud of all i did. And i am proud of my inner circle becoming smaller but the quality is rich. What more can one ask out of 365 days? We made it. We survived. We thrived. And if you know whats good for you, we will keep on going!
Keep moving forward people. Keep moving.
I learned that not everyone has your back but when the chips are down, the ones that do are there for you, period.
2015 was one of the hardest but most fulfilling years after a seriously rough 2014. I lived in 2015. I felt all the highs and they out weighed all the lows.
I learned really fast who i needed to let go of in my life...either permanently or temporarily. Either way, strings got cut and some bridges got burned. But i'm fine with all of it. I did what i could to save what relationships i thought were worth saving, but i realized, i can't save every single one of them alone. And i can't carry a relationship. If you want to be in my life, you'll show me yourself. I won't have to keep pushing to keep you in it.
And though that was a somewhat hard lesson to learn, it was easy to maintain. One can only get slapped in the face so many times before you say ENOUGH and walk away.
I survived, mostly unscathed. I am proud of all i did. And i am proud of my inner circle becoming smaller but the quality is rich. What more can one ask out of 365 days? We made it. We survived. We thrived. And if you know whats good for you, we will keep on going!
Keep moving forward people. Keep moving.
Nov 6, 2015
Sometimes I'm A Girl
Sometimes i'm a girl and i'm not sorry for that at all. It's one of the best things on the planet to be. We grow humans inside of us, we are usually right in arguments, we care for others on a whole other level and we look amazing in dresses!
Sometimes though it comes out in a form of crazy and over emotional moments. What I really want to say gets lost in translation because it's hard to make the outside world understand all that is going on, on the inside of me.
And i don't want it to come out that way. I never want my crazy to show so much that it makes you...the object of my affection run away. I actually want you to see the girly side of me. See me blush and be uncomfortable. I want you to witness the good but embrace my bad. See the fire in my eyes and want to dive into it. Because at the end of the day, i'm not as scary as i come off. I'm a mushball underneath this tough independant exterior. And you should be so lucky to enjoy all of this....and more!
So sometimes i'm a girl. And usually its awesome. But when it's not, i'm sorry if you get caught in the crossfire. But know if you can withstand that, you can take anything else i throw at you.
Support your girl. Friend or otherwise. We are all carrying much more than we let on.
Sometimes though it comes out in a form of crazy and over emotional moments. What I really want to say gets lost in translation because it's hard to make the outside world understand all that is going on, on the inside of me.
And i don't want it to come out that way. I never want my crazy to show so much that it makes you...the object of my affection run away. I actually want you to see the girly side of me. See me blush and be uncomfortable. I want you to witness the good but embrace my bad. See the fire in my eyes and want to dive into it. Because at the end of the day, i'm not as scary as i come off. I'm a mushball underneath this tough independant exterior. And you should be so lucky to enjoy all of this....and more!
So sometimes i'm a girl. And usually its awesome. But when it's not, i'm sorry if you get caught in the crossfire. But know if you can withstand that, you can take anything else i throw at you.
Support your girl. Friend or otherwise. We are all carrying much more than we let on.
Oct 30, 2015
Mini Reminder
Sometimes you have to let people live their lives.
You have to let them explore, fly and fall.
You can't save everyone from themselves and others.
You have to just let them live.
Even if it hurts you .
Even if you know it's going to hurt them in the end.
You have to let them live.
Love them from afar if it hurts too much.
Or let them go.
We can not and should not control others.
If you love them....well...you know the rest...
You have to let them explore, fly and fall.
You can't save everyone from themselves and others.
You have to just let them live.
Even if it hurts you .
Even if you know it's going to hurt them in the end.
You have to let them live.
Love them from afar if it hurts too much.
Or let them go.
We can not and should not control others.
If you love them....well...you know the rest...
Sep 10, 2015
My Life With Suicide
It's World Suicide Prevention Day. It's National Suicide Prevention Month.
I hope none of you ever get a message or letter from someone you love saying goodbye. I have. I would never wish it upon anyone. Not even my worst enemy. It's something you never truly get over. Time heals and helps but it's still something you can't get over. Mainly because it's not natural.
There is nothing natural about someone taking their own life. It's hard to wrap our minds around, even if we've considered it for a moment. It's just something we will never fully understand.
When one of my very best friends decided to leave this world by his own hands, a part of me died with him. And i never felt like i didn't do anything. We had a long and strong friendship. We knew one another's dark sides. We trusted and loved one another. He was my rock when i couldn't stand. When i couldn't make sense of everything inside and outside of me, he was there to get me back on the right path. He talked me down and up and out of things all the time. He mocked me, he loved me, he supported me. He was annoyed by me on so many occasions but he never turned his back on me fully. He never left me out in the cold too long. He made me learn lessons sometimes the hard way, but he never abandoned me. And that is how i treated him during some of his darkest times. I loved him, supported him, mocked him and never abandoned him, no matter how many times he told me to leave him alone. He called me a rash on his ass more than once lol And that was just the tip of our friendship.
So when i heard he had passed, like i said, apart of me died with him. But also, apart of me felt his relief and soon i felt his peace. And in my sobbing and heartache i was able to sort of feel what he wanted. He just wanted peace. After reading his goodbye letter the hurt and loss didn't pass or get better. It got worse because i heard him and i felt him. I knew exactly what he was saying by what he wasn't saying. It was thought out, it was planned, it was confirmed...it was my friend. Knowing how he was, i knew he didn't come to this decision quickly or randomly. He wasn't that kind of person. He was methodical. So in a sense there was a weird comfort in knowing that he had thought about this for a long time. And that he didn't want to hurt any of us, but he understood it if we were. He didn't want any of us to be upset but he understood if we were. And in reading his letter any time, and reading old conversations we use to have, i understood more of his choice and his need for peace....and ultimately freedom.
The thing that will always haunt me though is the night before he passed, he reached out to me via online messenger and i was cooking or taking a shower, i forget which one. Either way, i was away from my computer. And he waited to talk to me but after 15 minutes gave up and said he loved me and would catch me another time. Little did i know, that would be the last time i would've had to talk to him. And i replied back to his message saying i loved him too and would talk to him later. But that never happened. In his letter he told me i could always talk to him and he would always be listening. Just because he wasn't physically near, doesn't mean he wasn't with me. That was a huge comfort. And it was just like him to be comforting me when he was doing something...not normal.
It's coming up on 3 years and it doesn't feel like it at all. I never stopped talking to my love Gage. And there are some times when i know without a doubt he talked back to me. He has contacted me and given me signs of his presence. And i know he has laughed at me and with me during some of my ridiculous moments. I will always love him. He will always be with me. And i know he will always love me. How i truly wish he was still physically here, daily. I would give just about anything to have him back.
Helping someone that we care about should come naturally. Being there for someone should come naturally. Sadly, that isn't always the case though. We get caught up in our own lives and sometimes we take others for granted and don't notice their cries for help. The cries might be really, really quiet too. But we have to pay attention and get out of our own asses if we want to really help someone else. It might just be a simple text saying "i love you". Or it could be a full on 4 page letter catching up with them and asking how they are and wanting to get together. It could be a message on social media saying you miss them and hope they are doing well. It could be a silent hug randomly. I know i like random hugs. Or even a high five. Make them smile like only you can. I have actually helped other friends in similar situations and i didn't even know it. So trust me when i say, you can save a life.
Suicide Prevention is something i have supported even before my love Gage passed away. There are tons of organizations you can support locally and globally. You don't even have to give money. You can just write a simple message of support to someone. You can volunteer your time a few times a month or more if you so choose. You can help raise money for the organizations. You can help keep the lines of communication open on so many levels for those who need help and feel all is lost. YOU can help.
And if you are the one that needs help...needs a rock...needs someone to talk to you who won't judge you and will love you, even though they don't know you, there is help out there. You can even message me and i will be there for you. We are all in this together. Every soul matters. Every person deserves to live and be loved. You don't have to go at it alone.
If you or someone you know needs help with ANYTHING, please feel free to use any of the links below. You matter. We all matter.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
The Trevor Project (one of my favorites organizations to support and be apart of)
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
The Foundation for Hope
http://hope611.org/
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
www.afsp.org
I am still healing and dealing with the loss of my friend. But knowing that he knew i loved him and supported him always, makes it a tiny bit less heartbreaking. There is help for those of us who have lost someone to suicide as well. Everyone needs a support system. You can be one to prevent the heartbreak and to help heal it if it does happen. If you are reading this and feel compelled to reach out to me, please feel free to do so. You can contact me at: razzice@hotmail.com I will help you however i can and if i can't do it on my own, we can get you the help you need, no matter where you are. And if you want to share your story, with your permission i will do so on this blog and you can send it to my email as well.
Every life deserves to live. And if nobody has told you lately, i love you.
I hope none of you ever get a message or letter from someone you love saying goodbye. I have. I would never wish it upon anyone. Not even my worst enemy. It's something you never truly get over. Time heals and helps but it's still something you can't get over. Mainly because it's not natural.
There is nothing natural about someone taking their own life. It's hard to wrap our minds around, even if we've considered it for a moment. It's just something we will never fully understand.
When one of my very best friends decided to leave this world by his own hands, a part of me died with him. And i never felt like i didn't do anything. We had a long and strong friendship. We knew one another's dark sides. We trusted and loved one another. He was my rock when i couldn't stand. When i couldn't make sense of everything inside and outside of me, he was there to get me back on the right path. He talked me down and up and out of things all the time. He mocked me, he loved me, he supported me. He was annoyed by me on so many occasions but he never turned his back on me fully. He never left me out in the cold too long. He made me learn lessons sometimes the hard way, but he never abandoned me. And that is how i treated him during some of his darkest times. I loved him, supported him, mocked him and never abandoned him, no matter how many times he told me to leave him alone. He called me a rash on his ass more than once lol And that was just the tip of our friendship.
So when i heard he had passed, like i said, apart of me died with him. But also, apart of me felt his relief and soon i felt his peace. And in my sobbing and heartache i was able to sort of feel what he wanted. He just wanted peace. After reading his goodbye letter the hurt and loss didn't pass or get better. It got worse because i heard him and i felt him. I knew exactly what he was saying by what he wasn't saying. It was thought out, it was planned, it was confirmed...it was my friend. Knowing how he was, i knew he didn't come to this decision quickly or randomly. He wasn't that kind of person. He was methodical. So in a sense there was a weird comfort in knowing that he had thought about this for a long time. And that he didn't want to hurt any of us, but he understood it if we were. He didn't want any of us to be upset but he understood if we were. And in reading his letter any time, and reading old conversations we use to have, i understood more of his choice and his need for peace....and ultimately freedom.
The thing that will always haunt me though is the night before he passed, he reached out to me via online messenger and i was cooking or taking a shower, i forget which one. Either way, i was away from my computer. And he waited to talk to me but after 15 minutes gave up and said he loved me and would catch me another time. Little did i know, that would be the last time i would've had to talk to him. And i replied back to his message saying i loved him too and would talk to him later. But that never happened. In his letter he told me i could always talk to him and he would always be listening. Just because he wasn't physically near, doesn't mean he wasn't with me. That was a huge comfort. And it was just like him to be comforting me when he was doing something...not normal.
It's coming up on 3 years and it doesn't feel like it at all. I never stopped talking to my love Gage. And there are some times when i know without a doubt he talked back to me. He has contacted me and given me signs of his presence. And i know he has laughed at me and with me during some of my ridiculous moments. I will always love him. He will always be with me. And i know he will always love me. How i truly wish he was still physically here, daily. I would give just about anything to have him back.
Helping someone that we care about should come naturally. Being there for someone should come naturally. Sadly, that isn't always the case though. We get caught up in our own lives and sometimes we take others for granted and don't notice their cries for help. The cries might be really, really quiet too. But we have to pay attention and get out of our own asses if we want to really help someone else. It might just be a simple text saying "i love you". Or it could be a full on 4 page letter catching up with them and asking how they are and wanting to get together. It could be a message on social media saying you miss them and hope they are doing well. It could be a silent hug randomly. I know i like random hugs. Or even a high five. Make them smile like only you can. I have actually helped other friends in similar situations and i didn't even know it. So trust me when i say, you can save a life.
Suicide Prevention is something i have supported even before my love Gage passed away. There are tons of organizations you can support locally and globally. You don't even have to give money. You can just write a simple message of support to someone. You can volunteer your time a few times a month or more if you so choose. You can help raise money for the organizations. You can help keep the lines of communication open on so many levels for those who need help and feel all is lost. YOU can help.
And if you are the one that needs help...needs a rock...needs someone to talk to you who won't judge you and will love you, even though they don't know you, there is help out there. You can even message me and i will be there for you. We are all in this together. Every soul matters. Every person deserves to live and be loved. You don't have to go at it alone.
If you or someone you know needs help with ANYTHING, please feel free to use any of the links below. You matter. We all matter.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
The Trevor Project (one of my favorites organizations to support and be apart of)
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
The Foundation for Hope
http://hope611.org/
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
www.afsp.org
I am still healing and dealing with the loss of my friend. But knowing that he knew i loved him and supported him always, makes it a tiny bit less heartbreaking. There is help for those of us who have lost someone to suicide as well. Everyone needs a support system. You can be one to prevent the heartbreak and to help heal it if it does happen. If you are reading this and feel compelled to reach out to me, please feel free to do so. You can contact me at: razzice@hotmail.com I will help you however i can and if i can't do it on my own, we can get you the help you need, no matter where you are. And if you want to share your story, with your permission i will do so on this blog and you can send it to my email as well.
Every life deserves to live. And if nobody has told you lately, i love you.
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