Stories

I've been MIA clearly. Sorry...kinda forgot about this place as life decided to take all of my attention for the last few months of 2014. In some regards i am complaining. But overall i'm not. I lived and had a great time doing so. I've been thinking about that actually all morning. How i lived the end of 2014, even with some painful events happening i still lived. A friend posted something to my wall today and it reminded me of my roots as a writer.

I am a story teller. I am a story maker. I live to make memories that become stories. I am a story giver. I am a story lover. I pass on stories from others. I pass on stories from my own life experiences in hopes it helps someone else not make the same stupid mistakes...OR at least how to get out of them ;)

My stories can be fact or fiction. Poetry or novel. Minutes long or days long. Some stories are meant for a small group of people. Some for the masses. Either way, it's not a story if nobody hears about it. Even if it's just one other person that knows about it, that makes it a story. Experiences become stories and living is an experience. That is what drives me and what my foundation is.

I am smirking while writing this just thinking of all the stories i have for the end of 2014. Some of you know them...some of you don't. Some of you were there, and those are probably some of the best stories MOST of you will never hear lol

Thus far...just a mere 24 days into 2015 and i already have some great stories! Some are tragic and some are awesome. Either way, i'm happy for them. Like i said, living is an experience and experiences become stories. I can proudly say, i've lived some great experiences that make my soul truly happy so far this year. I am planning on making many many more! I am too excited (if there is such a thing) about this year. I know there will be issues and pain, but there will also be glorious and amazing moments as well. Things are changing, moving, shifting. I am living and i really am so thankful to have some of you along for the ride!

All that said...i will be back here more often...hopefully lol If you don't see anything for awhile it's because i'm too busy having experiences BUT i will definitely TRY to share some of the stories :)

Thank you all for your continued reading and supporting! I wish you all great stories!!

Real Girl Code

Maybe I'm not suppose to say this but fuck it. Judge me if you want, I don't care.

Sometimes a woman needs to be a girl. Sometimes she needs to be held by a man she trusts and is able to be herself with, without judgement. Sometimes she needs to be reassured that everything she carries on her shoulders daily is ok. That everything she is struggling with will work itself out. That it's not for nothing. That her fight and strength for all that she wants is worth it. Sometimes she needs to be a girl that needs to be protected from the world and herself. She needs to feel that she is not alone and that she has someone by her side to help her through all these things. Sometimes she needs to cry in the arms of a man. Single or otherwise, it doesn't matter. She needs this physical and emotional protection and support now and then from a man. She knows he can't solve all the issues. A smart woman knows he can't make everything right suddenly and that this hug...holding...comforting will not make life suddenly easy and with no pain. But she still needs to feel and believe that when he says it will be ok, IT WILL BE OK.

Maybe I'm NOT suppose to say these things as a strong independent woman. But at the end of the day, truth is truth. And I believe admitting this, saying this, makes me even stronger. I'm a badass awesome chick. But it doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to believe and pretend that, fuck yeah, sometimes I need to be a girl, protected from the world by a man that I trust. I'm a lot to handle. Why do you think I admire Thor so much? Because that's the kind of man I know can handle me. Did I break Girl Code? Who gives a shit.

I'd Cook For Him

Lately, I've been talking to my close friends and explaining to them the "I'd cook for them" mentality. It's something i came up with to describe how i feel about someone overall. It came to me while talking to a friend i would definitely cook for, any time.

Think about it. There are those people we encounter, intimately that we either want to see in the morning or want them out 20mins after the deed is done. We make these decisions in our head really fast. Now if we want to see them in the morning, then the relationship on some level progresses. You might become closer and as you learn more about each other you start to realize, you want to see this person for breakfast and dinner...and dessert. So you go out whenever you can and eating, dancing, reading etc. is all great! You truly enjoy the time you spend with this person. BUT THEN ONE DAY IT HITS YOU! You want to do something for this person. Something special and straight from a very good place. You ponder and talk to your friends and think about it do death.

Then it comes to you. You want to cook for them. Let's assume you know how to cook, and if you don't you can totally wing it. (For the record i am a very good cook and baker, so i got dinner and dessert covered no problem!)

I have a handful of people i would cook for. It's not something i do for myself often, let alone others. But if you become someone i adore. Someone i want to see for breakfast and dinner, you probably have become someone I want to cook for. I'm not talking anything super extreme, just something really yummy and shows off some of your skills. Really though it's not about the cooking aspect, it's about showing the person you care about them and maybe even want to take care of them on some level. To feed someone is to nourish them, mind, body and soul. It could take your relationship to the next level, no matter what it is. It could cement what you already have. For the most part, i don't recall someone running away from someone after they cooked for them...again, assuming you know how to cook and don't poison them haha

I like to think of guys i'm attracted to as "yes i'd cook for him or no i wouldn't cook for him". Sure arm candy is nice, don't get me wrong. But someone i want to cook for and snuggle with afterwards is where it's at, for me at least. It definitely shows off a different side of yourself to that person. Who knows, it could go great or it could go horribly wrong. Either way, it's a great gesture...i mean who doesn't love a home cooked meal? Break the rules, open the cooking app and whip something up for that someone you want to cook for. It will be an adventure, neither of you will ever forget :)

Can't Forget the Fear

Can't believe it's been this many years since 9/11 happened. It still feels like it was JUST last year. I remember exactly everything about that day. I remember my then boyfriend Al, calling me and telling me to turn on the tv. Then watching it with him, terrified and mind completely blown. I remember begging him to come over and get far far away from LAX where he worked. I remember calling my mom at her job and telling her what was going on. I remember just becoming a zombie glued to the tv for hours upon hours and then days upon days. It was such a long nightmare. I remember hearing lots of military jets flying over us and living in the southbay, that was just not normal at all. I remember talking to my flyboys before they went wheels up and praying with a few of them. I remember waiting for days to hear back from them. I remember everything was just so intense. I remember strangers hugging each other and putting our fists in the air in solidarity. I remember not sleeping or eating all that much. I remember just being frozen in fear, on edge, wondering was LA next. I also remember sobbing when i heard about friends of friends lost and the numbers of people gone climbing higher and higher. I remember holding Al so tight when i finally saw him that day. I remember mom bringing home ice cream and us just trying to stay strong with one another. It just felt like the world had just STOPPED. Not time, not life but the world. Like we weren't spinning anymore, we weren't going forward at all...we were just frozen in this horrific time. And i remember Bush Jr. just not being reassuring at all. I want to say that is when I really started to see what was really going on in our government, in our United States of America. People kept saying we would forever be changed by that and i knew it but it took some time to really FEEL IT. We were changed in so many bad ways. Many of the kids and teens today (and in the future) have no idea what life was like before 9/11. And for me to sit here and think about it, blows my mind, because i know the difference. I lived it. I was 19 years old. I was completely aware of life at that age. And then, it all changed and i had to become completely aware of a new life, a new world.

Honestly, that is when i began to fear the real evils of this world. Because when evil comes crashing through your door...you never forget it. And you are forever changed.

Just as that saying goes...I don't fear any man; it's the devil inside him that i'm afraid of.

Love and blessings to the families that lost loved ones on 9/11. And to all of us that were old enough to be changed by it. Let us not forget how we came together for support and love. Thank you to all the first responders who ran towards the falling towers. You are angels of awesomeness. Thank you to all the fire crews, police officers, troops, uniforms of all kinds for all you did and continue to do since that day. As well as all the regular folks who helped their fellow man during such a crisis. No words can sum up the bitter sweetness that came during and after the events. But know, my heart is full of love and thanks.

Peace For Me

Sometimes, even at the strong suggestion against it from our friends, we have to close chapters with people. I do it for my own sanity and peace. I do it to show forgiveness for my own lack of great judgement. I also do it because sometimes I don't want the person who treated me not so great, to feel that bad about it. This usually only happens when I believe the person is a good soul overall, they just made some shitty choices. Also, when I'm not really damaged or even scarred by their actions, it's much easier to give them a break and call it a wash. 

People tend to just want to bash someone because it didn't go the way they wanted. One little slip up and they tar and feather the poor soul. So what, they did the typical douchey douche thing. You didn't lose anything in the situation. You might not gain anything either, so really, there is no need to crucify the person. Granted, thinking about taking a metal bat to their knee does cross my mind. But say a public shaming or evil laced phone calls isn't needed. Show your resilience and strength by forgiving and moving forward. I know for me, my spirit is happier when I do that. I can lay it all to rest. Delete all the memories, texts, photos all that and let it fade from memory in time. 

IF by some chance the person didn't take up too much of your time, you got lucky and it's easier to shake off. Alas, the longer folks absorb and abuse our time, the longer it may take to remove them from our lives. But it will happen, you just gotta let time do it's thing. And don't beat yourself up over it too much. We all have a little masochist in us. And we all know when we should STOP doing something. But if we consciously ignore the gut and do something that we know will probably upset us down the road, then we also consciously accept the consequences of the masochistic actions we take. So own your stupid leaps of faith that ended up with you splattered on the floor of regret and self pity. Hopefully you learned something after the splat. I've learned something from this splat indeed. I can't say I will NEVER do it again, I just know I'll have a better look if something similar comes around again. 

We are only human. And we will hurt one another even when we mean not too. Doesn't mean everyone is out to get you and you should "trust no one". Just means you gotta watch folks more, guard yourself but don't close yourself off to everyone. There are still amazing people out there who want to make you happy. And you need to continue going and making people AND yourself happy. So not to use a completely overused saying now but yeah...let it go, forgive and keep moving forward!

This is dedicated to my girl Tierra who has taught me in her own way, to not take certain situations so seriously and just live your life. 

Small Impacts

The other day at work while we were trying to get all the customers out of the store so we could go home much earlier than expected, i met a woman who was staring at our sock wall...particularly the Happy Socks.

At this point in the closing procedures we are just approaching customers and asking if they need any final help, because we are closing up shop. I asked was she doing ok and she said she was having a hard time deciding on some socks for her 24 year old niece who has cancer. Well, my history of cancer with family and friends is strong so whenever i meet someone who has it or has family/friend battling it and they are just trying to give them a little happiness and hope, it hits my heart instantly. The ones she was holding weren't that cute so i suggested some other ones and she liked them and another pair as well. We didn't go into what kind of cancer it was or anything of that nature. We focused on getting her niece something fun and cool. I could tell she was at a loss and just wanted to do something to make her niece smile. We laughed about how they are called "Happy Socks" and i told her, they will bring her good vibes just having them. She was very thankful. Part of me wanted to hug her but i figured that would be too weird. I mean i get weirded out and annoyed when customers touch me so yeah lol

She went on her way and i finished cleaning up my department and went home.

I don't know if i did anything super special for her. I don't know if i was that much of a help. I don't know if her niece will like the socks. I don't know if they will make her smile. I only spent 10mins with her but for the rest of the week at least, this woman and her niece will be on my mind and in my heart and prayers.

People look down on those of us in the service industry thinking it's not a responsible or "adult enough" job to have. They treat us bad and think we can't do any better for ourselves. They also think we don't make a difference. My job is thankless and endlessly repetitive and tiresome. But once in awhile, clients cross my paths and for a brief moment we help one another...i mean truly help each other with whatever is going on. Granted hearing about your deceased cat and how you are shopping to help heal your wounds, can get a little awkward. BUT clearly, we are meant to cross paths with these people for a reason. Whether it's for them to help us, or for us to help them...it's meant to be that way.

Who knows, maybe she will be back with better news about her niece and getting more Happy Socks. I just know that brief encounter made me appreciate where I am at as a person. It helped me continue to do something i love doing...help and be there for others during difficult times. It fed my soul some comfort to know that i was chosen, out of all of us in that store at the very moment to be there for her and make her smile.

No matter what we do as a job, it doesn't mean it's any less meaningful than what anybody else does. We need to keep ourselves open to new people, experiences and life. You never know what could happen. And keep being thankful (even when we hate where we are) for what we have and share it with others as often as we can.

Side note...just before i sat down to write this, my Ninja Grandpa made some crashing sounds in the living room. I went to see what happened. Alas, his awesome ninja strength caused him to pull down another vertical blind from our window. Initially i wanted to ask him what on earth was he doing and tell him to stop being so violent with the blinds lol But with this story being written in my mind at that moment, i took a deep breath and told him it was fine, we will just add it to the pile...yes...there is a pile...6 going on all 20. Sometimes i don't know whether to laugh or cry with the stuff that happens in my house lol WOOOOSSAAA!!

Tiny Stories

I've been writing little stories since March of this year. Not sure how it came about but I really do enjoy what's been happening. As someone who does poetry and short stories, this is a huge adventure in self control. The idea of just taking a small piece of an idea or moment and putting it into a nice little bundle is difficult yet exciting. Think of it as  putting that moment you had that you keep replaying over in your head...it's a tiny story. There is no background info, no intro and no conclusion. It's just a moment. Kind of like a picture. Hope that makes sense. If not, don't worry, just read on and let me know what you think!

For clarification purposes, they don't have titles, just dates when they were created.

3/2014

That moment we stood face to face, almost touching but not. Letting the music flow around us. I smelled you. Wanted to devour you. But held back and kept my composure but knew there was no turning back. Didn't want too anyways. Made an excuse to touch you. The huntress has locked up with her prey and there is no way either of them would get out alive. But who's to say...that wasn't YOUR plan...
copyrighted AMA 2014

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4/2014
I watch you perform. You draw me into your world with no regret. I cannot stop wondering what goes through your mind, your body, as you move me with sound. You fall deeper into your zone. Pulling all the strings to our souls. Moving, shifting, engulfing space and time...all with your fingers. The drama unfolds all around you. Still you keep pushing the limits. Your passion becomes ours and the room is filled with a thickness. The rise and fall. The back and forth. The complete and utter dominance over us, is all yours and we gladly submit to your whims. There is no turning back. It's all left on the floor. YOU pulled it out of yourself and gave it to us to devour. And in return, we give you all the love that only the joy of life can exhibit during these times of pure happiness.
copyrighted AMA 2014

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6/2014
She grabbed him by the shirt collar and whispered in his ear, that it would be the end of them if he even considered hurting her. That they both agreed to cross this line together. All cards showing, no jokers in the deck. Normally, he would laugh and say something along the lines of "baby you know i would never" but the tone in her voice and the look in her eyes made it clear to him, this was a WOMAN...not a girl. And if he wanted to keep her around, he would have to be a MAN...not a boy. She was offering him something so very special and unique. She assured him, he was the only one she wanted but didn't hesistate to remind him, there was a line of suitors waiting to take his place if he slipped up. Clearing his throat, he pulled her closer by the hips and whispered into her ear something that made her loosen her grip on him and smile wickedly. Finally...a man that could give her that strong hand she yearned for. 
copyrighted AMA 2014